Friday, January 22, 2010

The Liar's NFL Conference Championship Playoff Picks

At long last, our enduring national nightmare has come to an end. For the first time since February 3rd, 2008 the Arizona Cardinals have been eliminated from the NFL postseason. Huzzah!!!
I'm so goddamned excited about the two games this weekend that I sorta peed a little bit just thinking about 'em. Enough with this intro jibber-jabber, let's get straight to some picks:

Last Week's Picks: 2/2
Season Record: 168/98

Sunday Afternoon Game - 2PM (CST):
Colts* (15-2) over Jets (11-7)
Why am I picking the Colts here? Because I want the Jets to win here more than I've wanted any team to win in any given game this season. If the Jets lose, I'll be crestfallen, so I'm hedging my enthusiasm with a Clots pick. If Indy hadn't surrendered half way through the game back in week 16, the Jets would be watching football from their collective couches this week. How amazing would it be if they could end the Colts' perfect season AND playoff run within one month? Stuff of legends, boys. If New York wins this one, they should send Jim Caldwell the game ball, and the Colts should send that fucking loser his walking papers.

Sunday Night Game - 5:40PM (CST):
Saints* (14-3) over Vikings (13-4)
I'm torn - I'm pulling for the Saints from here on out, but I'd really like to see Favre win it all this year, retire, and leave the NFC North once and for all. Dare to dream.
This should be one hell of a game, and it's going to all rest on the Saints defense. Everyone knows that if you can get a few good hits on Favre and follow through with steady pressure that ol' Brett gets shakier than a Haitian orphanage. Bringing the hurt down on the old man is going to be Floodtown's key to victory. If not, then the Purple Penis Eaters are heading to Miami.
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Wrong Picks in RED
Correct Picks in GREEN
*Indicates Home Team

Thursday, January 14, 2010

The Liar's NFL Divisional Playoff Picks

Well, that was ugly. Last week failed to deliver much action and even fewer correct picks. I guess jokes about quantum physics don't translate well into wins. Who knew? I'm not going to get fancy this week - In fact, I'm going base. Here's hoping that works.

Last Week's Picks: 1/3
Season Record: 166/96

Saturday Afternoon Game:
Saints* (13-3) over Cardinals (11-6)
NOOOOO! Why won't the motherhumping Cardinals just leave us alone? It's like a cut-rate 80's slasher flick - Every time I think they're gone for good, they pop back up and keep slogging deeper into the playoffs. It's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair!
*sob*

Saturday Night Game:
Colts* (14-2) over Ravens (10-7)
Okay, I know I said that I wasn't going to pick the Colts again after their shameful surrender back in week 16, but I'm really hoping that they can squeak through here and lose next week to the full-throttle Chargers (yet again), or (even better) go down in flames against the Jets who they rolled over to and let into the postseason. That would be super fucking sweet.

Early Sunday Game:
Cowboys (12-5) over Vikings* (12-4)
I'm calling this one as the game of the week. I have no idea what's gonna happen, but I have a feeling that it's gonna be good. The Boys are en fuego right now, but Favre would skull-fuck a busload of cancer kids if he thought that would help him secure one final Super Bowl win. Who wants it more? Well, Favre - hands down, but are the Vikes going to be good enough to get it done?

Late Sunday Game:
Chargers* (13-3) over Jets (10-7)
A few weeks ago (on a pick 'em site) I picked the Chargers to win the Super Bowl this year. I say they're the best team in the playoffs this year (which is hard to admit, since I fucking hate them). Please prove me wrong Rex.
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Wrong Picks in RED
Correct Picks in GREEN
*Indicates Home Team

Friday, January 8, 2010

The Liar's NFL Wild-Card Weekend Playoff Picks

This looks familiar.
Three of the four wild-card games feature teams that played each other last week. Trippy, it's like the NFL just went all Groundhog Day. If three or more games are the same next week, then we definitely have some serious issues with the spacetime continuum.
Assuming that is the case, I'm preemptively stocking up on tinfoil hats and looking into investing in some sweet 4th dimension Möbius box-seats for the Super Bowl (which I'm guessing will be Cowboys -vs- Eagles for the 5th straight week).

Last Week's Picks: 9/7
Season Record: 165/93

Saturday Afternoon Game:
Bengals* (10-6) over Jets (9-7)
If you listen to Rex Ryan, the Jets have a Superbowl victory all wrapped up. Then again, if you listened to Ryan two weeks ago, he said that the Jets' season was over. I fucking love this guy, he's just as drunk as I am! WOOOOOOOOO!
Yeah, I know that the Jets put up a 37-0 beatdown on the Bengals last week. I even think that Cincy was playing to win in the first half, but as the game went on I think that the Bengals folded early and decided to save all of their fancified trickification for this week, all the while getting some great film of the Jets cards. I'd love to see way more of Rex Ryan in the postseason, but I think that Cincy is going to spring the trap back on their home-turf.

Saturday Night Game:
Cowboys* (11-5) over Eagles (11-5)
Man, the story-lines behind this game are insane - Romo has never won a playoff game, McNabb has never lost a first-round playoff game, Wade Phillips' job is on the line (yet again), The Eagles haven't won a game against the Boys this season, and to top it all off these teams HATE each other. I'm supergluing myself to the couch for this one.
I know that every playoff game Romo pulls a Romo to kill the game at the last minute, I know that Reid and McNabb are playoff tested, I know that this game could go either way on a whim, but I really think that the Cowboys are the superior team this season and have more than what it takes to shut down Philly down in the Jerry Dome.

Early Sunday Game:
Patriots* (10-6) over Ravens (9-7)
Here's the only game that doesn't fit the Groundhog Day analogy (although they did meet back in week 4), so throughout the game I'm going to pretend that Belichick is the Bill Murray character and that Harbaugh is the Andie MacDowell character. I say they totally hook-up by the end.
My favorite thing about the Partiots going into the playoffs is how their super-secret injury reports suddenly go all too public. Welker is out, that's for sure, but Brady's shoulder and Moss' limp are pure kabuki theater. I wouldn't be surprised if the Hoodie wheeled out the O-line out in iron lungs before the game. You gotta love that.

Late Sunday Game:
Packers (11-5) over Cardinals* (10-6)
I didn't want to watch this game last week, what makes you think that...
Shoveling snow, huh?
Okay, you win. Fuck it.
Last year I bet against the Cards all the way through the playoffs and got schooled. Apparently, I haven't learned my lesson. How can I have any faith in what easily is the most erratic team of the past couple of seasons? According to Heisenberg's uncertainty principle, in any given game the Arizona Cardinals have both WON and LOST the game until the game is observed. Which is problematic, as no one wishes to observe such things. Logical positivism, FTW!
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Wrong Picks in RED
Correct Picks in GREEN
*Indicates Home Team

Saturday, January 2, 2010

The Liar's NFL Week 17 Picks

Here it is, the last week of regular season professional tackle football. I'm posting late because of all of the drinky fun this last week. Actually, I'm blowing off something right now to get this out of the way, so let's get this fucker done - The booze is a-callin'.

Last Week's Picks: 9/7
Season Record: 156/84

Early Sunday Games:
Bills* (5-10) over Colts (14-1)
If the Clots are gonna roll over and play dead for the Jets, I see no reason for them to even suit up for this one. Why not just stay home and forfeit the game, you pussies?

Jaguars (7-8) over Browns* (4-11)
The Browns have been playing crazy-good football in the end-stretch, and I'm seriously tempted to pick them here, but Jacksonville is playing for a potential play-off spot here (with plenty of outside help). I say that the Jags get it done.

Bears (6-9) over Lions* (2-13)
I called it last week, but now I'm horrified that last week's inspired win over the Viqueens might just save a bunch of careers that don't deserve saving.

49ers (7-8) over Rams* (1-14)
One year ago I said that the Niners would win the NFC West this year. If they can get 3 wins on Sunday (and a Cardinals loss), they'll have it.

Dolphins* (7-8) over Steelers (8-7)
I'm not crazy about the Dolphins, but I have very little faith in the Steelers right now. That being said, if they win this one, watch out!

Vikings* (11-4) over Giants (8-7)
It's debatable which of these teams had the more embarrassing loss last week. The Giants are out, and the Vikes are gasping for air. Minnesota really needs a win here going into the post-season.

Falcons (8-7) over Buccaneers* (3-12)
Neither of these teams has anything to play for, but I think that the Falcons have more pride on the line here.

Saints (13-2) over Panthers* (7-8)
Everybody is picking the Panthers in this one, but I can't see the Saints going into the play-offs with a 3 game skid.

Patriots (10-5) over Texans* (8-7)
Same here, everybody seems to like the Texicans in this one. I don't see the Hoodie pulling an Indy and flying the white flag out in Houston.

Late Sunday Games:
Cowboys* (10-5) over Eagles (11-4)
NOOOOOO! The Chicago market has the stupid fucking Pack v. Cards game - Thank Christ for NFL Red Zone.

Broncos* (8-7) over Chiefs (3-12)
You Denver motherfuckers aren't making it easy to root for you. The Broncos still have 10 ways to make it into the playoffs. I say they'll sneak in, but with some serious help.

Ravens (8-7) over Raiders* (5-10)
Who the hell knows whats going on with either of these teams from week to week? I'm picking the Ravens because they need this win to stay alive, but I'm not really feeling it.

Cardinals* (10-5) over Packers (10-5)
Both of these teams are in, and I couldn't possibly be less interested in either of 'em.

Chargers* (12-3) over Redskins (4-11)
This game means less than nothing. The Chargers have the second seed in the AFC locked down, just as the Skins have a high first round 2010 draft pick locked down.

Titans (7-8) over Seahawks* (5-10)
It'll be a huge accomplishment if the Titans can end the season 8&8, not great enough to get them into the postseason, but pretty good nonetheless.

Sunday Night Game:
Bengals (10-5) over Jets* (8-7)
The Jets win this one and they're play-off bound. I say they choke.
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Wrong Picks in RED
Correct Picks in GREEN
*Indicates Home Team