This week my NFL picks are getting an Upgrayedd (with an extra ‘d’ for a double-dose of pimpin’) - I’m including the team records and my pick history/season record. Look for me to suck from here-on-out since I had the gaul to post my record – I’m like the Mets on that front.
If one week I happen to pick a perfect slate I’ll include the betting line picks thereafter (as soon as I recover from my fainting spell and ensuing head injury).
This week I’m betting heavily against the home teams and frequently picking against conventional-wisdom, so I’m sure that I’ll get boned this week. That'll learn me.
Last week's picks: 11-5
Season record: 31-17
Bears (1-2) over Lions (2-1)
Roy Williams needs to shut his fat fucking yap - the Bears will do it for him. The Lions have an over-inflated confidence in their team and a (Rex induced) low view of the Bears. Grossman isn’t our quaterback, and I can’t see Detroit winning without his obligatory 3 turnovers per game. Our D is banged-up, but our second-string is better than a lot of starting defenses.
I’ve got a full-raging hard-on for the Bears again now that they’ve dropped the chump (I really, really, really tried to phrase that in a way that didn’t sound totally gay, and failed miserably). Griesse isn’t our John Elway or Dan Marino (the 2 QBs he followed-up in Denver and Miami, respectively), but he’s better than the less-than-nothing that we had there last week. I only wish that I had gotten this game in my market or had the patience for sitting through a game in a fucking sports-bar. I have neither.
Bonus bet: After this game, put Kitna on the DL.
BEARS!!!
Postgame: FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK... Bernard Berrian... FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK... a record 34 points allowed in the 4th quarter.. FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!
Texans (2-1) over Falcons (0-3)
Awkward! The red-hot Texans waltz into Atlanta with the Falcons' old back-up QB (Matt Schuab). Hey Atlanta! How's Joey Harrington working out for you? This is my schadenfreude lock of the week.
Jets (1-2) over Bills (0-3)
The Jets might not be very good this year, but Buffallo stinks on ice. If things keep up at this pace for the Bison Williams, they'll have to attach a hospital wing onto Ralph Wilson Stadium
Ravens (2-1) over Browns (1-2)
This game is gonna be the football equivalent of a hardened criminal mugging a retarded kid. The analogy isn’t straying too far from reality on this one.
Postgame: What I failed to take into account is that when the mentally-disabled feel threatened, they get that super-retard-strength.
Cowboys (3-0) over Rams (0-3)
Those Bovineguys are getting cocky, and are vulnerable to an upset from a desperate team. That being said, the Rams don’t have the huevos to do anything that bold.
Raiders (1-2) over Dolphins (0-3)
Hey, Joey Porter; Guarantees are cheap theater stunts, anyone can make 'em and they don't mean a damned thing. I personally guarantee that the Fish aren't gonna see the postseason this year or next year or... - See how easy that was? The Raiders are gonna pull the upset in this one, thereby stunning all 28 fans who bothered to show up for this turd-fest.
Packers (3-0) over Vikings (1-2)
I have the feeling that the Pack is walking into a trap this week. The Vikes might be squirrelly, but nothing would make ‘em happier than up-ending their nemesis and breaking their winning streak - NFC North entropy ensues. That being said, I’m copping-out and picking the Packers.
Bucs (2-1) over Panthers (2-1)
This is gonna be a great game. I would pick Carolina, but the word is that Dehlome won’t start and the Kittys will have to rely on the masterful skills of David Carr (that worked so well for Houston all those years). I really like what Garcia is doing for Tampa and am picking them to triumph without a second thought.
Seahawks (2-1) over 49ers (2-1)
Who will win this one? Hold on... {shaking magic 8 ball}. What the fuck do you mean "Reply hazy, try again"? Stupid piece of junk. Let's just say the Seahawks win this one and move on.
Steelers (3-0) over Cardinals (1-2)
The Cards new coach (Wisenhutt) comes fresh from the Pittsburgh coaching staff, so this one's not a "gimme" by any stretch. I still think that the Steelers have what it takes to pull this one off.
Postgame: The Cardinals are who I thought they were! They were who I thought they were, and I let a huge upset-pick off of the hook!
Colts (3-0) over Broncos (2-1)
Everyone is calling this one the “Game of the Week”. Only if you like fireworks. It's more of the "junkfood" game of the week - It's gonna be tasty, but full of empty calories.
Chargers (1-2) over Chiefs (1-2)
Nothing would make me happier than another embarrassing Chargers loss – Shut their loud mouths for good like the (now contrite) Floodtown ‘aints. Unfortunately for me, they’re playing the lower gastrointestinal tract of the NFL.
Postgame: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! I was laughing so hard, I think I peed myself a little on this one. Shottenheimer for Norv Turner? Oh, Holy shit - I can't breathe... It feels so good to be wrong, now (hopefully) they'll shut the fuck up.
Giants (1-2) over Eagles (1-2)
Both teams are playing for their lives. I really want to go with Philly on this one, but after seeing NY’s resurgent defense in their (unexpected) win over my Skins I'm not so sure. Speaking of defense, the Giants’ defensive coordinator, Steve Spagnuolo, just spent the last 8 years on Philly’s payroll – Talk about stealing signals… I’m picking Coughlin’s pituitary anomalies in this one.
Postgame: This fucking pick saved me from a losing Sunday (7 wins & 6 losses) - whew.
Patriots (3-0) over Bengals (1-2)
…and in other earth-shattering news: Cows go “Moo”.
* Wrong Picks in RED.
** Correct Picks in GREEN.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Saturday, September 22, 2007
The Liar's NFL Week 3 Picks
Jets over Dolphins
Someone's gotta win this one. I like NY to get their first win on home-turf.
Lions over Eagles*
The Beagles really need to win this one to keep their (normally tolerant) fanbase from storming the "Linc" with torches and pitchforks. I'm helpin' 'em here - I've gotten burned betting against Detriot the last 2 weeks. Now that I've picked the Lions, you can pencil Philly in for the win.
Postgame: Told you. My theory is that the butt-ugly Philly throwback uniforms blinded Detroit (and they played like it).
Steelers over 49ers
The first 2 & 0 / 2 & 0 match-up on the board. Not all undefeateds are created equal - I like the Steelers at home.
Patriots over Bills
New England. Period. End. Until I see some reason to doubt the Pats, I'm not gonna dare pick against 'em.
Buccaneers over Rams
I'm done with the Rams. Both weeks I've picked 'em and they've screwed me. Garcia should pull this one out at home.
Ravens over Cardinals
The battle of the birds. I'm hoping that Boller starts at QB this week in Baltimore, but I think that in this match-up of D's you've gotta go with the proven team.
Postgame: I can't believe that the Cards pulled Leinert for Warner (and that the old man almost pulled the upset). Someone should tell Lovie that it's okay to pull bad quarterbacks to give the team a chance to win.
Colts over Texans
Houston looks really good this season - Indy is really good. Big difference.
Chargers over Packers
The Pack is back (fuck!). Norv Turner is a joke (trust me, I had to suffer through his tenure following Schottenheimer out here in DC - Look for SD to follow the pattern and bring in Steve Spurrier after a couple of seasons). I'm just hoping that San Diego is much better than they look right now - This is their test of mettle. If Green Bay wins this one, I'll be even more pissed at Grossie (for week 1).
Postgame: The Pack is good, and the Chargers are screwed under Norv. I'm really fucking embarrassed that the Bears couldn't beat this turd in Week 1.
Vikings over Chiefs
I really think that KC is the worst team in the NFL right now. I gotta go with the Norsemen.
Postgame: On a plus-note, The Bears aren't alone at the bottom of the NFC North Rankings.
Raiders over Browns
Toss a coin on this one. I don't think that Oakland's defense will allow another 50+ point game for the Cleveland Steamers. I'm just not sure if the Raiders offense is good enough to win. I'm (begrudgingly) going with the home-team.
Broncos over Jaguars
2 good teams - another coin-toss. I'm going with the home-team (again).
Seahawks over Bengals
Once Cincinnati gets a defense, give me a call. Holmgren really needs to justify his salary at home. I'm pickin' Seattle.
Redskins over Giants
Set this one in stone. Crybaby Eli is gonna be struggling against the Skins' pass-defense. Speaking of defense, NY doesn't have one. This game is going to be the toughest nail for Coughlin to push out of his coffin.
Postgame: The Giants picked one hell of a day to have their defense take the field. Knock out two coffin nails for Coughlin.
Panthers over Falcons
The only real question with this one is whether (Atlanta QB) Harrington will stay in the game for all 4 quarters.
Cowboys over Bears
Here's my "Fuck Rex" pick of the week. Grossman's career is potentially riding on this one game, and he's proven time and time again that he's worse than horrible under pressure. If the Mental Midget stays in this one all the way through, he'll get the Dallas game ball. On the plus side, if Grossie goes "bye-bye" I'll have infinitely more faith in a successful post-season.
Postgame: I really, really, really wish that I had been wrong on this one - I wasn't. And to all of the Grossman apologists out there; 1 decent scoring possession does NOT overcome 3 interceptions. Bench him if you want to glimpse the postseason.
Titans over Saints
I'm really tempted to pick the Saints to win in their home opener, but the momentum of these two teams (Titans up, Saints down) is too strong to ignore.
*Wrong picks in RED.
Someone's gotta win this one. I like NY to get their first win on home-turf.
Lions over Eagles*
The Beagles really need to win this one to keep their (normally tolerant) fanbase from storming the "Linc" with torches and pitchforks. I'm helpin' 'em here - I've gotten burned betting against Detriot the last 2 weeks. Now that I've picked the Lions, you can pencil Philly in for the win.
Postgame: Told you. My theory is that the butt-ugly Philly throwback uniforms blinded Detroit (and they played like it).
Steelers over 49ers
The first 2 & 0 / 2 & 0 match-up on the board. Not all undefeateds are created equal - I like the Steelers at home.
Patriots over Bills
New England. Period. End. Until I see some reason to doubt the Pats, I'm not gonna dare pick against 'em.
Buccaneers over Rams
I'm done with the Rams. Both weeks I've picked 'em and they've screwed me. Garcia should pull this one out at home.
Ravens over Cardinals
The battle of the birds. I'm hoping that Boller starts at QB this week in Baltimore, but I think that in this match-up of D's you've gotta go with the proven team.
Postgame: I can't believe that the Cards pulled Leinert for Warner (and that the old man almost pulled the upset). Someone should tell Lovie that it's okay to pull bad quarterbacks to give the team a chance to win.
Colts over Texans
Houston looks really good this season - Indy is really good. Big difference.
Chargers over Packers
The Pack is back (fuck!). Norv Turner is a joke (trust me, I had to suffer through his tenure following Schottenheimer out here in DC - Look for SD to follow the pattern and bring in Steve Spurrier after a couple of seasons). I'm just hoping that San Diego is much better than they look right now - This is their test of mettle. If Green Bay wins this one, I'll be even more pissed at Grossie (for week 1).
Postgame: The Pack is good, and the Chargers are screwed under Norv. I'm really fucking embarrassed that the Bears couldn't beat this turd in Week 1.
Vikings over Chiefs
I really think that KC is the worst team in the NFL right now. I gotta go with the Norsemen.
Postgame: On a plus-note, The Bears aren't alone at the bottom of the NFC North Rankings.
Raiders over Browns
Toss a coin on this one. I don't think that Oakland's defense will allow another 50+ point game for the Cleveland Steamers. I'm just not sure if the Raiders offense is good enough to win. I'm (begrudgingly) going with the home-team.
Broncos over Jaguars
2 good teams - another coin-toss. I'm going with the home-team (again).
Seahawks over Bengals
Once Cincinnati gets a defense, give me a call. Holmgren really needs to justify his salary at home. I'm pickin' Seattle.
Redskins over Giants
Set this one in stone. Crybaby Eli is gonna be struggling against the Skins' pass-defense. Speaking of defense, NY doesn't have one. This game is going to be the toughest nail for Coughlin to push out of his coffin.
Postgame: The Giants picked one hell of a day to have their defense take the field. Knock out two coffin nails for Coughlin.
Panthers over Falcons
The only real question with this one is whether (Atlanta QB) Harrington will stay in the game for all 4 quarters.
Cowboys over Bears
Here's my "Fuck Rex" pick of the week. Grossman's career is potentially riding on this one game, and he's proven time and time again that he's worse than horrible under pressure. If the Mental Midget stays in this one all the way through, he'll get the Dallas game ball. On the plus side, if Grossie goes "bye-bye" I'll have infinitely more faith in a successful post-season.
Postgame: I really, really, really wish that I had been wrong on this one - I wasn't. And to all of the Grossman apologists out there; 1 decent scoring possession does NOT overcome 3 interceptions. Bench him if you want to glimpse the postseason.
Titans over Saints
I'm really tempted to pick the Saints to win in their home opener, but the momentum of these two teams (Titans up, Saints down) is too strong to ignore.
*Wrong picks in RED.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
The Liar's NFL Week 2 Picks
St. Louis over San Francisco*
Does anyone care about this one? No? Let's move on.
Green Bay over NY Giants
Without lil' Manning (or anything resembling a defense) the Giants are gonna fall to 0 & 2.
Pittsburgh over Buffalo
Buffalo is going to be playing with plenty of emotion after the Everett loss. Emotion doesn't win football games.
New Orleans over Tampa Bay
I have a feeling that by the end of the season the Bucs will have had more quarterbacks than wins.
Carolina over Houston
The Texans look like they have a decent team this year. That being said, this one belongs to the Panthers.
Jacksonville over Atlanta
The new Atlanta quarterback reminds me of that horrible QB that used to play for the Lions and Dolphins. What was his name?
Cincinnati over Cleveland
The battle for Ohio. The loser has to keep it.
Indianapolis over Tennessee
The Titans' wonder-tard QB is lookin' good, but not that good.
Seattle over Arizona
Seahawks = Good. Cardinals = Bad. Any questions?
Minnesota over Detroit
A bunch of people are picking Detroit to win at home. A bunch of people also think Crocs are appropriate footwear for a grown adult. That don't make 'em right.
Dallas over Miami
I genuinely like Tony Romo. This bothers me because I fucking hate (and have always fucking hated) the Cowboys.
Baltimore over New York Jets
The Bengals rattled up the Baltimore hornets nest last week. I feel sorry for those poor sons of bitches in NY.
Chicago over Kansas City
Good Rex needs to show up for this one. If he can break out the razzle-dazzle against the hapless Chiefs it might keep the lynch-mob at bay for a (short) while.
Denver over Oakland
And in other news, I'm picking Wladimir Klitschko over Drinky Joe in a street-fight.
New England over San Diego
The cheaters need to win this one. If they lose here, the floodgates will open and wash all of the scum off of the face of bean-town.
Washington over Philadelphia
Picking with my heart over my head on this one. I just can't see the Beagles losing to the Packers and winning over the Skins.
*Wrong answers in RED.
Does anyone care about this one? No? Let's move on.
Green Bay over NY Giants
Without lil' Manning (or anything resembling a defense) the Giants are gonna fall to 0 & 2.
Pittsburgh over Buffalo
Buffalo is going to be playing with plenty of emotion after the Everett loss. Emotion doesn't win football games.
New Orleans over Tampa Bay
I have a feeling that by the end of the season the Bucs will have had more quarterbacks than wins.
Carolina over Houston
The Texans look like they have a decent team this year. That being said, this one belongs to the Panthers.
Jacksonville over Atlanta
The new Atlanta quarterback reminds me of that horrible QB that used to play for the Lions and Dolphins. What was his name?
Cincinnati over Cleveland
The battle for Ohio. The loser has to keep it.
Indianapolis over Tennessee
The Titans' wonder-tard QB is lookin' good, but not that good.
Seattle over Arizona
Seahawks = Good. Cardinals = Bad. Any questions?
Minnesota over Detroit
A bunch of people are picking Detroit to win at home. A bunch of people also think Crocs are appropriate footwear for a grown adult. That don't make 'em right.
Dallas over Miami
I genuinely like Tony Romo. This bothers me because I fucking hate (and have always fucking hated) the Cowboys.
Baltimore over New York Jets
The Bengals rattled up the Baltimore hornets nest last week. I feel sorry for those poor sons of bitches in NY.
Chicago over Kansas City
Good Rex needs to show up for this one. If he can break out the razzle-dazzle against the hapless Chiefs it might keep the lynch-mob at bay for a (short) while.
Denver over Oakland
And in other news, I'm picking Wladimir Klitschko over Drinky Joe in a street-fight.
New England over San Diego
The cheaters need to win this one. If they lose here, the floodgates will open and wash all of the scum off of the face of bean-town.
Washington over Philadelphia
Picking with my heart over my head on this one. I just can't see the Beagles losing to the Packers and winning over the Skins.
*Wrong answers in RED.
Saturday, September 8, 2007
The Liar's NFL Week 1 Picks
Eagles over Packers
Texans over Chiefs
Broncos over Bills
Steelers over Browns
Rams over Panthers
Falcons over Vikings
Patriots over Jets
Redskins over Dolphins
Titans over Jaguars
Bears over Chargers
Seahawks over Buccaneers
Raiders over Lions
Cowboys over Giants
Ravens over Bengals
49ers over Cardinals
Texans over Chiefs
Broncos over Bills
Steelers over Browns
Rams over Panthers
Falcons over Vikings
Patriots over Jets
Redskins over Dolphins
Titans over Jaguars
Bears over Chargers
Seahawks over Buccaneers
Raiders over Lions
Cowboys over Giants
Ravens over Bengals
49ers over Cardinals
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)