Wednesday, November 25, 2009

The Liar's NFL Week 12 Picks

Okay, I'm cranking out these picks on three solid hours of sleep - Let's see how that works.
Milo and I are holding down the fort while the Girl is back on the East coast. We plan on watching a bunch of football and getting some serious drinkin' done. Now that's a holiday weekend, people!

Last Week's Picks: 12/4
Season Record: 104/56

Early Thursday Game:
Packers (6-4) over Lions* (2-8)

That Lions win last week was insane. Good Stuff. Finally after 53 seasons we get an exciting Lions game, which brings me to my point: Why the fuck are we still torturing the holiday crowd with Lions games every Thanksgiving? It's like a big annual heaping helping of Tofurkey. Pass.

Late Thursday Game:
Cowboys* (7-3) over Raiders (3-7)
Speaking of which, what the fuck do cowboys have to do with Thanksgiving, anyhow? If any NFC East team should be playing here it should be the Redskins. I say every year they have the Patriots reenact the genocide of a nation up on the 'Skins. Now that's edutainment!

Thursday Night Game:
Giants (6-4) over Broncos* (6-4)
The Giants ended their losing skid last week, here's hoping that the Broncos can do the same here. I've learned that in close-matched games it's easier to pick against the team I like, so when they (inevitably) lose I still have something. Sad, huh?

Early Sunday Games:
Falcons* (5-5) over Buccaneers (1-9)
Atlanta has only won one game (against the Skins) since beating the Bears back in week 6 - Choke on that, you bastards.

Dolphins (5-5) over Bills* (3-7)
The quote of the week came from Jason Smith on Jim Rome is Burning: "The Buffalo Bills remind me of the freshman high-school nerd who thinks that just because the homecoming queen isn't dating anyone she'd go to the prom with him if he asked. Ralph Wilson, please put away your pocket protector, your bug collection, and your most powerful World of Warcraft character. Bill Cowher and Mike Shanahan are not coming to Buffalo."
Brilliant.

Bengals* (7-3) over Browns (1-9)
Last week the Bengals couldn't get it done against the Raiders. Then again, last week the Browns couldn't get it done against the Lions.

Seahawks (3-7) over Rams* (1-9)
I sorta want to pick the Rams here. There's no good reason to though, so I'm refraining.

Jets* (4-6) over Panthers (4-6)
I'm struggling to find anything to say about this game, so let's see what happens when I type "panther jet" in a Google search: The Grumman F9F Panther was the most widely used U.S. Navy jet fighter of the Korean War. Now you know.

Eagles* (6-4) over Redskins (3-7)
Washington is looking sharp lately - They upended the Broncos in week 10 and almost shut-out the Cowboys last week. This shit has got to stop.

Colts (10-0) over Texans* (5-5)
Once again, a bunch of people are picking the Texans here. It's probably because the Texans have a better record, Payton Manning, and have won the division 5 of the last 6 seasons. Um, wait... That's the Colts, sorry. The Texans are the ones with Rex Grossman.

Late Sunday Games:
Chargers* (7-3) over Chiefs (3-7)
The Chiefs win over Pittsburgh last week surely put San Diego on notice. They're gonna play 'em tough.

49ers* (4-6) over Jaguars (6-4)
Why, oh Lord, do I keep picking the Niners? I can't help myself.

Titans* (4-6) over Cardinals (7-3)
Speed of lightning! Roar of thunder!
Flaming all who blitz or blunder!
Wondertard! (hoo-rah-ah-ah-ah)
Wondertard! Wondertard!!

Vikings* (9-1) over Bears (4-6)
This is exactly the kind of game the Bears tend to win just to get everyone's hopes up so then they can dash them back into the ground the following week. Have some decency, and lose with just an iota of dignity here, Chicago.

Sunday Night Game:
Ravens* (5-5) over Steelers (6-4)
Man, the Steelers got creamed last week against the Chiefs (I never ever thought I'd write that sentence). They're hurting going into this one. Charm City is poised to kick 'em while they're down.

Monday Night Game:
Saints* (10-0) over Patriots (7-3)
I'm really tempted to pick the Patriots here, but am giving the benefit of the doubt to the undefeated at home. Don't fuck me on this one, New Orleans.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

The Harshest Move

So, against my better judgment, I joined a fantasy football league again this year. It's the free Yahoo one. I was proud of my team name (the Gould Standard) and I landed Jay Cutler, Johnny Knox, Greg Olsen, and Robbie Gould from the Bears. (Yes, I am getting killed at 4 and 7 on the season.)

My other QB, selected randomly by the league software, is Brett Favre. Interestingly, Favre only has a slight edge on the season, numbers-wise. Sadly, I am more sure he'll throw touchdowns this weekend than Cutler will. So, I'm benching my fantasy QB in favor of the enemy.

You can be sure this will be the game where Jay Cutler breaks some kind of single-game passing record in the NFL.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Dear Liar

I am sorry to have abandoned you in the middle of the season... but my article about you and I being the godsend of the gamepick world proved to be our downfall in this crazy NFL season. It proved that Murphy's Law is the norm this season and that everyone involved in picks and fantasy should get out and shoot themselves in the nuts right now. I am not worthy... I should have reserved myself to some po-dunk fantasy league rather than bothering you all with my bullshit... but I offer the following.

A 40 year old QB will probably be taking an NFC North Team to the superbowl.

Angelo... and especially Ron Turner should be presented to the Chicago populous and strung up by the balls for the atrocity that is the Bears '09 season. Lovie knows what he is doing but is hamstrung by the douchebags up in the booth. He has to take what the dipshit Turner has to offer... Get some new blood in the office!!!!

The Jets will suck again....

The Texans will never cease to piss the Liar and myself off... I pick the Titans to win on Monday!!!

Dallas will eternally be known as the "on again, off again team...." as long as Romo the homo is at the healm.

The Raiders are alive again... fuck Jackson.

The Saints and the Colts will not remain undefeated for long.... The Saints face NE next monday night... watch out...

Those are my little niblets for the week.... all I can say to the Liar is...

Keep on Truckin'

Shadrow

Thursday, November 19, 2009

The Liar's NFL Week 11 Picks

Okay, it's official - I don't know a fucking thing about football. Each week I seem to be doing worse than the last. Nate seems like a certifiable genius right now for stopping his picks a few weeks back before the entire league went ass-over-tits. Well, at least I still have a solid winning record so far this season - The Bears (unfortunately) can't say the same.

Last Week's Picks: 6/9
Season Record: 92/52

Thursday Night Game:
Dolphins (4-5) over Panthers* (4-5)
This could easily be the shortest game of the season. Neither of these teams has a passing game, both rely heavily on the run, and both have stout defenses. This bitch could go 14 minutes into overtime, and still be over in less time than the Falcons @ Giants (later this week).

Early Sunday Games:
Cowboys* (6-3) over Redskins (3-6)
I still can't believe that the Redskins beat the Broncos last week, or that the Cowboys lost to the Packers. Everything goes back to normal with this one.

Lions* (1-8) over Browns (1-8)
Who wants to bet that this turd-fest ends in a tie?

49ers (4-5) over Packers* (5-4)
I'm still hoping against hope that the Packers truly suck. The Niners got a real ugly win last week, let's see if they can slap some lipstick on that pig up in Lambeau.

Steelers (6-3) over Chiefs* (2-7)
STEELERS MAD! STEELERS SMASH!

Vikings* (8-1) over Seahawks (3-6)
I love the Vikings this year. No, not like that. I still haven't gotten a Vikes pick wrong yet this season. I still hope that they all choke to death on dicks, but they're keeping me in the game here.

Giants* (5-4) over Falcons (5-4)
Both of these teams were great last season - Both are middling so far this year. It's hard to get a good read on either of these teams this season (let alone in this game).

Saints (9-0) over Buccaneers* (1-8)
Last week I warned that "every single season there is one game where a great team looses a 'gimme' game to a terrible team". The Saints struggled early against the Rams last week. They already learned that lesson - this week should be a cake-walk.

Jaguars* (5-4) over Bills (3-6)
The Williams shit-canned Jauron on Tuesday... I wonder if he'd like his old job back with Chicago?
Yeesh, even terrible ideas are starting to sound good right about now.

Colts (9-0) over Ravens* (5-4)
I'm tempted to pick Baltimore in the upset here. The Clots are coming off their biggest game of the season, and could easily get blindsided by a mediocre team in their victory haze.

Late Sunday Games:
Cardinals (6-3) over Rams* (1-8)
I have a feeling about this one. I have a feeling that (despite the odds) this is going to be a close game that goes down to the end with the Cards pulling off a win at the last minute.

Chargers (6-3) over Broncos* (6-3)
I originally had the Broncos winning this one. Then I realized that was stupid. I'm picking San Diego and pulling for Denver.

Bengals (7-2) over Raiders* (2-7)
The Bengals have never won a game in Oakland. Things change.

Patriots* (6-3) over Jets (4-5)
After last week's crushing collapse, I say the Hoodie refuses to punt on a single 4th down out of pure spite. Belichick isn't gonna let off the gas for one moment of this one - He just has to be careful to avoid plowing headlong into a wall.

Sunday Night Game:
Eagles (5-4) over Bears* (4-5)
You BASTARDS! Why the fuck did you have keep this as the flex game? Is this some kind of sick joke? Y'all know that Chargers and Broncos have game this week for sole possession of the AFC West, right? You're still gonna televise the Bears running around in circles around with their pants around their ankles for the world to see, huh? Well, FUCK YOU!

Monday Night Game:
Texans* (5-4) over Titans (3-6)
Thank Christ that the Texans are back! Usually I just get the Texans pick wrong (with a couple of others). Last week (with Houston on the bye) I kept picking losers - This week my balance is back.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Can We Get Him Back?

I hope this doesn't hex him, but Mike Brown has started all nine games for the Chiefs this year, and this week, he's the AFC Defensive Player of the Week.

Is it just me, or do we have a totally different outlook on this season if we have a healthy Mike Brown roaming the secondary?

Thursday, November 12, 2009

The Liar's NFL Week 10 Picks

Un dunnah whaa wen ong weth te hueehhun. Hi yus ghunt iggue haut uht heen uroungh....
Hold on, lemme take the gun outta my mouth here for a second.
That's better.
...um.
Probably should say something here... something positive...
...uh.
I'm positive that the Bears fucking suck it.
Okay, that's over. Now where was I?
Oh, right...
Ank ooo, ohw hai ahb ohher ingth oo hoo.

Last Week's Picks: 7/6
Season Record: 86/43

Thursday Night Game:
Bears (4-4) over 49ers* (3-5)
I'm not holding out any hope of the Bears being a good team with this pick, but rather jumping off of the San Francisco bandwagon (I hopped on that thing and that motherfucker shot straight off to the Castro). I'm still sore.
Postgame: That's it. I've never said this before, but Lovie's gotta go. Angelo is still the cancer in this organization, but Smith inherited the team that made it to the Super Bowl and has let it slip (hard) since then. He's a nice guy, but a total failure as a head coach. Chicago should try and get Bill Cowher before he's off of the boards. We need a coach, not some mealy-mouthed apologist.

Early Sunday Games:
Titans* (2-6) over Bills (3-5)
Despite the odds, das Wondertard is carrying the Titans on his shoulders. I bet they keep promising him trips to the zoo if he wins. That's motivation!

Saints* (8-0) over Rams (1-7)
Every single season there is one game where a great team looses a "gimme" game to a terrible team. This isn't that game.

Dolphins* (3-5) over Buccaneers (1-7)
O Florida!
Our home and phallic land!
True drunken love in all thy loins command.
With glowing meth pipes we shall rise,
The deep South smells like pee!
Gang wars and tides, O Florida,
We sail on rafts for thee.
God keep this land dirt-poor as it should be!
O Florida - We sail on rafts for thee.
O Florida - We sail on rafts for thee.

Vikings* (7-1) over Lions (1-7)
If Favre gets knocked out, the Vikings' back-up QB is really, really bad. I'm just saying is all...

Jets* (4-4) over Jaguars (4-4)
So how's that Giants -vs- Jets Super Bowl thing coming along there, NYC?

Steelers* (6-2) over Bengals (6-2)
This should be a damn fine game. The Chicago market has this one on CBS - It might be nice to watch a real game on Sunday for a change.

Broncos (6-2) over Redskins* (2-6)
I gave up up on the Redskins after week 3, I'm about to call the Bears' season dead, so all I have left at this point is (my new adoptive team) the Broncos... Who have just dumped two games straight. *sigh*
Postgame: Are you fucking kidding me?

Falcons (5-3) over Panthers* (3-5)
This match-up reeks of a trap game. Watch out for the upset in this one.
Postgame: Told you so - I should have listened to me.

Late Sunday Games:
Raiders* (2-6) over Chiefs (1-7)
I'd rather watch two bag-ladies fight over a discarded sack of tater-tots. Then again, who wouldn't?

Eagles (5-3) over Chargers* (5-3)
I think that my hatred of the Chargers is coloring my outlook in this one. The Eagles tend to lose in pairs, have a terrible record on the West coast, and are playing on a short week. I just can't bring myself to pick San Diego.

Cardinals* (5-3) over Seahawks (3-5)
Hey, it's the bi-polar Cardinals! Are they gonna be awesome this week or a terrible joke? Nobody knows.

Cowboys (6-2) over Packers* (4-4)
Okay, I understand why everyone in the national news media is trashing the Bears, what I can't figure is why no one is taking about the Packers loss to Tampa last week except in the terms of "The Buccaneers Finally Win One" type stories. Green Bay is fucking DONE - Season over. Yet still, a load of prognosticators are picking the Pack to win here. I just don't get it.

Sunday Night Game:
Patriots (6-2) over Colts* (8-0)
My (incredibly shortsighted) reason for picking the Pats here is because I figure that Indy is going to lose sometime this season, and this looks like the most likely team to beat them. That being said, the Colts tend to win the marquee games and lose in a match where they're heavily favored. Then again, the same can be said for New England.

Monday Night Game:
Ravens (4-4) over Browns* (1-7)
Right about now, 1996 to 1999 is starting to look like the halcyon era of the Browns franchise.
---

Wrong Picks in RED
Correct Picks in GREEN
*Indicates Home Team

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Boxer Briefs




Sorry to Josh for jinxing the both of us with my fucking article that essentially rubbed both of our nuts the wrong way... thus why I didn't post any picks this week... (in addition to not having any time to myself this week whatsoever!) Hopefully I can remove any jinx with my looked forward to absence.


Shadrow

Friday, November 6, 2009

The Liar's NFL Week 9 Picks

Thanks Nate! I'm still busy scooping poop outta my Hanes ComfortSoft® boxer-briefs one week after your post on how great I was doing with my picks so far this season. Without any further Shadrow jinxin', I'm ready to redeem myself... I hope.

Last Week's Picks: 8/5
Season Record: 79/37

Early Sunday Games:
Falcons* (4-3) over Redskins (2-5)
The Falcons almost beat the undefeated Saints last week - Impressive. The Redskins almost beat the winless Chiefs back in week 6 - Not so impressive.

Bears* (4-3) over Cardinals (4-3)
These two teams are peas in a pod. They swing between 'great' and 'pathetic' from week to week. The next 3 Bears games should determine whether they have a legitimate shot at the playoffs. Win 2 of 3, and the outlook's good - Lose more than one, and start rebuilding. I'm giving the Bears the benefit of the doubt here, since they still haven't lost at home this season.
Postgame: Ready... Aim... FIRE!

Ravens (4-3) over Bengals* (5-2)
In the first match-up between these two teams in Week 5, Benson clowned the Ravens defense. Nobody holds a grudge like Baltimore - Bet on the birds, hun.

Colts* (7-0) over Texans (5-3)
If the Texans played the Colts every week, then maybe I'd have better luck in picking their games. Thanks for the break, Indy.

Patriots* (5-2) over Dolphins (3-4)
The wildcat Fish (wild catfish?) have a lot of tricks up their sleeves. Belichick has nothing up his sleeves (because he cut them off). I still like the Pats here.

Packers (4-3) over Buccaneers* (0-7)
Hey, hold up! The Pack get the Suckaneers this season, and the Bears don't? What. The. Fuck?!? I'm calling shenanigans!
Postgame: The Vikings just made the playoffs during their bye week. Congratulations.

Jaguars* (3-4) over Chiefs (1-6)
Damn, I can't think of anything vaguely interesting about this game. The Chiefs fans' open hostility toward (KC running back) Larry Johnson is sorta intriguing, but he's out this week, so... nope... nothing.

Late Sunday Games:
Seahawks* (2-5) over Lions (1-6)
Wow, I thought the previous game was boring. I stand corrected. This one takes the generic ricecake.

Saints* (7-0) over Panthers (3-4)
I'd like to give up some props to Carolina for killing the Cardinals last week - Good stuff. Sorry to say, but your one-game winning streak ends here.

Giants* (5-3) over Chargers (4-3)
Grumpy McCoachalot told his Giants that this is a "do or die" game. That's a crazy-risky statement to make halfway through the season, but I say it pays off for 'em in this one.

49ers* (3-4) over Titans (1-6)
OMG! Did y'all see that barnburner between the Colts and Niners last week. These guys are stupid-good. That being said, I hope that the Titans hospitalize most of Samurai Mike's boys before their trip to Chicago next Thursday.

Sunday Night Game:
Cowboys (5-2) over Eagles* (5-2)
They go to the Link at night -They go where Iggles dare
They pick up every movement - They pick off every loser
McNabb's trapped in the pocket - Here comes DeMarcus Ware
-chorus-
Romo's no goddamn son of a bitch - You better think about it Philly
Romo's no goddamn son of a bitch - You better think about it Philly
Postgame: If anyone watched this game, you know that the above Misfits parody was fucking spot-on. Finally, something good this week.

Monday Night Game:
Broncos* (6-1) over Steelers (5-2)
Ouch! That decisive loss to the Ravens last week had to hurt. I say that Denver learns their lesson and pulls off a win for the home crowd.
---

Wrong Picks in RED
Correct Picks in GREEN
*Indicates Home Team