Wednesday, November 26, 2008

The Liar's NFL Week 13 Picks

It's a good thing that Chicago is playing a night game tomorrow, because Gundy and I are watching the first two games at Quenchers Saloon and participating in their 28th annual European Beer Tour.
Y'all are welcome to join us. If you dare.

I just hope that I can get enough espresso down my throat to be lucid for the Bears kickoff. On second thought, I may be better off staying drunk for that one.

Last Week's Picks: 10/6
Season Record: 110/65/1

Thanksgiving Early Game:
Titans(10-1) over Lions (0-11)
If the Titans hadn't lost last week, I'd pick the Lions to win this miracle game. It's always the crappiest teams that break huge winning streaks, and they don't get any crappier than Detroit. Anyway, the Jets upended the Titans last week and deprived me of my "upset of the century lock of the week". Way to ruin everything, Brett.
Half-Time Report: Holy Shit, the only thing more pathetically embarrassing than the Lions' play was that turd of a half-time show. If Marinelli has one ounce of dignity in his body, he'll come straight out of the locker room and forfeit this abortion.

Thanksgiving Late Game:
Cowboys (7-4) over Seahawks (2-9)
I'm hoping that the Shawks can get their heads out of their asses and deal a crippling loss to the mighty Cowboys. That being said, there's a better chance that Stephen Hawking will win next season's 'Dancing With the Stars" competition. I can dream.

Thanksgiving Night Game:
Cardinals (7-4) over Eagles (5-5)
This has the potential to be a HUGE game. The Eagles need a decisive win here to quell the native uprising (and save their jobs for another week), whereas the Cards are sitting pretty and almost have a playoff berth locked down. I really want to pick the Eagles in this one, but have a feeling that they'll find a way to lose.

Early Sunday Games:
Bills (6-5) over 49ers (3-8)
I'm hoping that Samurai Mike is enjoying his stint as an NFL head coach. By my count, he only has 5 games left in that capacity.

Ravens (7-4) over Bengals (1-9)
The Ravens are the better overall team, but the Bengals have the explosive running power of CEDRIC BENSON. The Bengals will be lucky to get out of this one with any positive running yardage.

Colts (7-4) over Browns (4-7)
Romeo Crennel is on his dying breath over in Steamer-Town. Too bad, he seems like a nice guy - Shit coach, but nice guy.

Panthers (8-3) over Packers (5-6)
I'm deluding myself in thinking that the Panthers are good enough to get a win up in Green Bay, but I'm sticking with hope over logic.

Dolphins (6-5) over Rams (2-9)
The Rams are a great team on paper, but last week's suck-fest against the Bears just shows how little stats matter in real games. I'm just hoping that Mr. Kraftwerk himself (Rock Berlin) continues on as the Rams QB, or at the very least gets to do a cabaret act at half-time.

Saints (6-5) over Buccaneers (8-3)
Here's another stupid pick. I'm still amazed at how unbelievably great the Saints looked last week against the Pack. I'm buying into the sucker's bet that they can keep that up for 2 weeks in a row.

Giants (10-1) over Redskins (7-4)
I'm making way too many "heart" picks this week to go with my Skins in this one. I'm picking NY and rooting Washington.

Late Sunday Games:
Chargers (4-7) over Falcons (7-4)
Because San Diego can't lose every game to a last-minute field-goal.

Steelers (8-3) over Patriots (7-4)
Aaaaaaaargh! The Chicago TV market is getting the stupid Jets-Broncos game instead of this one. It's bad enough that we get Green Bay-Carolina instead of New York Washington, but this horse-shit is just rubbing salt into the wound.

Jets (8-3) over Broncos (6-5)
The Jets are gonna win. There, I just freed up 3 hours of your Sunday afternoon to follow more interesting pursuits (like cleaning the leaves out of your gutters).

Raiders (3-8) over Chiefs (1-10)
I still say that the Chiefs are an overall worse team than the Detroit Lions. How Tony Dungy is scamming an NFL franchise out of real folding money as a head coach is way beyond my comprehension. After his coaching career ends (in 4 weeks or so) he should cash in on his unparalleled ability to suck and take out a lease on a dumpster behind the local porno theatre.

Sunday Night Game:
Bears (6-5) over Vikings (6-5)
I might be deluded by fandom, but I can't see how the Vikings are a better team than the Bears. We beat 'em back in week 7, but nobody seems to be giving Chicago a shot in this one.
True, the Vikings really need the win here to have a shot at the NFC North title, but the Bears need a win here almost as bad. It wouldn't surprise me one bit if the Bears crapped out here, but I'm definitely not expecting it. This one's for a good share of the marbles, boys - Don't shit the bed.
Postgame: They shit the bed. Shit the bed HUGE.

Monday Night Game:
Texans (4-7) over Jaguars (4-7)
The Jags are done for the year - Things could be worse, the Texans have been done since they were awarded the franchise. I see the joke-squad getting a mercy-win on the home-turf.
---

Wrong picks in RED
Correct Picks in GREEN

Thursday, November 20, 2008

The Liar's NFL Week 12 Picks

Oh Saturday, you cruel vixen. You got me again.

Instead of sitting down and doing my picks early (like a good boy), I went out drinking in the afternoon at Kathy's, got loaded, and (at The Girl's request) headed over to Popeye's for some greasy chicken (bad idea). I had passed out on my couch by 9PM, and woke up at 2AM when the chicken and beer ganged up on me for revenge.

Now I'm up for the day, sore as hell, half-awake, and cranking out these picks hung-over at 4 o'clock in the AM while sipping on some Sunday morning bourbon.

That should explain more than a couple of things.

Last Week's Picks: 12/3/1
Season Record: 100/59/1

Thursday Night Game:
Steelers (7-3) over Bengals (1-8-1)
Ocho Stinko just got deactivated for this game. He's the lucky one. Hell, If I owned the Bengals, I'd deactivate the whole fucking team, coaching staff, fans, and mascot for the remainder of the season - I'd be a hell of a lot less embarrassing for everyone.

Early Sunday Games:
Browns (4-6) over Texans (3-7)
The Texans just can't catch a break. They looked great coming out of the gate and then just nose-dived into oblivion. Now a game comes along that they thought that they might be able to win a few weeks ago, but the Browns are on a huge up-swing with Brady Quinn behind center. There goes the Alamo.

Cowboys (6-4) over 49ers (3-7)
Factiod of the week: When Tony Romo isn't rescuing stranded motorists, hugging bums, or making friends with the mentally retarded, he is the quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys. Did you know?

Buccaneers (7-3) over Lions (0-10)
Watching Detroit play football is akin to watching a clown get kicked in the nuts for 3 hours straight.

Jets (7-3) over Titans (10-0)
This is the first time this season that the Titans have been in a match-up with a winning team that's firing on all cylinders. I'm really interested to see how this goes down. I'm going with the Jets on a hunch that Tennessee is primed for a fall just about now.

Bills (5-5) over Chiefs (1-9)
I'm about ready to put the Bills in the corner to think long and hard about what they've done to me over these last few weeks, but not just yet. This is their very small shot at redemption.

Bears (5-5) over Rams (2-8)
Here's what needs to happen in this game: Rest Orton - He came off the DL way too early. That was obvious. Haine and the other guy should be able to handle this one. If not, bring out Orton judiciously. The last thing we need is for the desperate St. Louis D to bring the hurt down and knock him out for the season.
The Bears defense needs to get ugly - Not ugly like they've been playing lately, we're talking Chicago-ugly. Babbich needs to dial up a high-pressure blitzkrieg on the weak St. Louis offense. Knock some teeth out, hammer 'em down, go for the highlight reel plays. If the Bears D keeps up it's anemic ways against the 2&8 Rams, there's no way that Lovie's loyalty can save Babbich from the fans and the front office.

Dolphins (6-4) over Patriots (6-4)
For my money, here's the game of the week. Belichick got bitched by the gimmicky wildcat plays in the Pats embarrassing week 3 loss to the Fish. If he loses another one to Miami, his head is gonna explode live on television. If Miami can secure 2 wins over the mighty Patriots, then they would be in great position for a playoff spot going into the homestretch, and Miami will get a life-sized emerald-encrusted statue of Parcells erected in front of Dolphins stadium.

Jaguars (4-6) over Vikings (5-5)
Here I go again. The Vikes might be for real, but I just can't bring myself to believe it. If they can grab a win over the middling Jags, then they might have a legitimate shot at their very first NFC North title ever (and no one wants that).

Ravens (6-4) over Eagles (5-4-1)
The normally sedate and even-tempered Philly fans are really in an uproar over last week's tie with the Bengals (and McNabb's ignorance regarding the basic rules of the game). The Eagles need to pull off some miracle shit over the next five weeks, or else they're going to be looking for a new head-coach and QB in the offseason.

Late Sunday Games:
Broncos (6-4) over Raiders (2-8)
It just dawned on me that the only AFC West team that I don't fucking hate right now is the Oakland Raiders, and they couldn't piss their way out of a paper bag. Since this division is so unbelievably weak right now, a Denver win this week could all but clinch it.

Panthers (8-2) over Falcons (6-4)
The Falcons really need the win here to keep the Panthers from running away with the division. I don't see it happening. The Panthers are crazy-good this season. If they weren't from Hicksville, or boring as a biscuit, someone might actually acknowledge their accomplishments this season.

Giants (9-1) over Cardinals (7-3)
Ho-Lee-Shit! The Cards have the NFC West all tied up - That division is even more pathetic than the AFC West. The #2 team behind the Cards right now is the 49ers with 3 wins. Seriously. Arizona is being hoisted by midgets right into the playoffs. I just hope that they could somehow manage an improbable win against a real team this week to help level-out the NFC East.

Redskins (6-4) over Seahawks (2-8)
The Skins really need a win here to end their 2 game skid. It's probable that (as things stand right now) they could reach 10 wins and still miss the playoffs. They have the Giants next week, so if they fold this one, they're toast. Go Skins; You can do it!

Sunday Night Game:
Colts (6-4) over Chargers (4-6)
The Chargers are teetering on the brink of oblivion. Good for them. I'm hoping that Indy can give them that push on over.

Monday Night Game:
Packers (5-5) over Saints (5-5)
This is probably the Saints' last game before a good chunk of their team gets yanked for violating the NFL's substance abuse policy. I just hope that they can go out guns blazing and knock Green Bay down one slot in the NFC North standings. I'm not picking it, just hoping it.
---

Wrong picks in RED
Correct Picks in GREEN

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Huskie Update

It was a good night for Huskie athletics! A win away from home at Kent State and a win at home against Indiana State.

Attending the Mens's Basketball home opener, this Huskie fan enjoyed a gaime that saw good defense that kept a taller team back on the outside and an offensive effort that stayed strong and composed to keep the lead for the entire game. It was pressure, pressure and more pressure from a well coached group of ugly bags of mostly freshmen.

More importantly, I began with popcorn and coffee in the hospitality room, followed bya hot dog with mustard and relish. I followed-up at half-time with another piping hot cup of coffee, but missed out on the cookies.

I'm looking forward to next week's pigskin skirmish against Navy at Huskie Stadium. You can bet that I'll enjoy a couple of cups of hot coffee that night! Don't be surprised if I have a couple of dogs and a bag of peanuts - gotta eat the shells!

Go Huskies!

Football
NIU 42
Kent 14

M. Basketball
NIU 86
IS 79

Thursday, November 13, 2008

The Liar's NFL Week 11 Picks

Oh, crap!

I neglected to do the rest of my picks on Thursday and chose to watch the Jets/Pats game instead. Then on Friday I decided to jeopardize my relationship with Jenny by attending a game night at Gundy's (The Girl is a way-sore loser). And today I headed out to the 2PM Ben Weasel show (fucking great!) and then hit Chinatown afterward. Now I'm trying to get the rest of these stupid picks out before everybody comes over for Saturday movie night.
Hurry-up time. Go!

These are gonna be sparse, my bad.

Last Week's Picks: 11/3
Season Record: 88/56

Thursday Night Game:
Jets (6-3) over Patriots (6-3)
What the fuck am I doing? Why in the hell do I think that the fatherfucking Jets can just waltz into Foxboro and walk away with 1st place in the AFC East? I should have my head examined.
Regardless, I'm gonna be glued front & center in front of the parlor wall for this game tonight.

Early Sunday Games:
Falcons (6-3) over Broncos (5-4)
Hey Atlanta, do me a solid and finish off Denver's playoff dreams this week. Thanx.

Eagles (5-4) over Bengals (1-8)
Wah-wah-wah. You lose, Cincy. Thanks for playing.
Postgame: A tie?!?! Are you fucking kidding me? How do I even score this? People? Help!

Packers (4-5) over Bears (5-4)
I have a bad feeling that Rex is gonna get the majority of snaps this Sunday and something like this is gonna happen:
Colts (5-4) over Texans (3-6)
I rescind my earlier statements - The Clots are lookin' like a playoff bound team again. Go Texans!

Saints (4-5) over Chiefs (1-8)
The 'Aints have gone back to being the bumbling losers of the NFC South. The sure fire cure to your "our team is a' losin' blues" is a visit to ole Kansas City.

Dolphins (5-4) over Raiders (2-7)
Flush!

Giants (8-1) over Ravens (6-3)
Here's the game of the week for the unwashed masses (since nobody without NFL Net saw the Thursday game). I'm picking New York and pulling for Baltimore.

Buccaneers (6-3) over Vikings (5-4)
With a loss here by Minnesota, the Bears will still share 1st place in the NFC North (in a 3-way tie) regardless of what else happens this week.

Panthers (7-2) over Lions (0-9)
It's too bad for Detroit that they don't get to play any games against the Lions. If so, they might just win a game this year.

Late Sunday Games:
49ers (2-7) over Rams (2-7)
Hey kids, It's a noobie coach smackdown! In this situation, you've got to root for Samurai Mike.

Cardinals (6-3) over Seahawks (2-7)
Sometime before this season is over, Holmgren is gonna dress-up a walrus with a clipboard and a Seahawks visor and sneak out (unnoticed) to the parking lot to beat traffic.

Titans (9-0) over Jaguars (4-5)
Hey Tennessee; TRAP GAME!!! Watch your ass. This is exactly the sorta game that all the undefeateds seem to lose. I'd totally pick the Jags to win this one if I weren't such a spineless pussy.

Steelers (6-3) over Chargers (4-5)
Drive those nails deep in their coffin, Pittsburgh.

Sunday Night Game:
Redskins (6-3) over Cowboys (5-4)
Romo's nowhere near 100%, the Dallas team is a pubic-hair away from self-destructing, and the Skins have something to prove coming off of their bye - Happy trails, Cowboys.

Monday Night Game:
Bills (5-4) over Browns (3-6)
This should be a real interesting game - Lots of angles. Brady Quinn, Medicine Woman, is trying to get his first win in the NFL (and looking good), while the Williams are trying like hell to hang tough in the tumultuous AFC East. The Bills have homefield and a lot more to fight for, so I'm going with them in this toss-up.
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Wrong picks in RED
Correct Picks in GREEN
Ties in BLUE

Thursday, November 6, 2008

The Liar's NFL Week 10 Picks

With the Skins in a (merciful) bye, and Grossman behind center for the Bears, I'm looking forward to this Sunday of football like a Ugandan colonoscopy. It doesn't help that the late games we get in the Chicago market are Indy at Pittsburgh (meh) and Carolina at Oakland (?!?!?).
I can't get excited about any televised game this week other than the NBC Sunday nighter.

Here's to week 11.

Last Week's Picks: 8/6
Season Record: 77/53

Thursday Night Game:
Browns (3-5) over Broncos (4-4)
Thus begins the Brady Quinn era in Cleveland (now the kid might be able to get endorsement deals with a few companies that aren't operated out of some guy's basement).
Postgame: Fucking Kellen Winslow. You owe me one pick, you bum. Without any single of the 3 stupid mistakes you made tonight, the Browns would have won this game.

Early Sunday Games:
Falcons (5-3) over Saints (4-4)
With an Atlanta win this week and a Carolina loss this week there would be a 3-way tie for first in the NFC South (Tampa's on a bye this week). That's crazy. It's too bad for Atlanta that the Panthers are playing the Raiders this week, or things could get real interesting in this division.

Titans (8-0) over Bears (5-3)
My worst nightmare is that Sexy Rexy is going to step in and pull a "good Rex" miracle out of his ass and smack the undefeated Titans square in the mouth. Then Angelo (feeling vindicated) immediately signs him to a $50-million / 10 year contract extension, and then I'll have to go out and buy a Packers jersey. --shudder-- I'm hoping for a 6 turnover embarrassment from Grossie, a chance to see Haine take the reigns as the Bears back-up QB, and for Rex buy a one-way ticket out of town.
Let the Rexecution begin!

Jaguars (3-5) over Lions (0-8)
It's amazing how hard the Jags are sucking this year. This was arguably the most dominant team in the league last season, now they're a freakin' disaster. I just hope that they have enough steam left to keep the desperate Lions defeated. I'm not sure that they do.
I'm tempted to hope for career-ending injuries for the Lions this week in retribution for the Orton hit-job last week, but there's no one left on the Detroit team that's good enough to wish injury upon. Any homeless C.H.U.D. that you could pull of the rat-infested streets of Detroit would probably be a vast improvement to that team. It's more of a punishment to keep that squad just as it is.

Dolphins (4-4) over Seahawks (2-6)
It is equally amazing at how well the Fins are doing this year. I'm just extremely glad that Parcells went down to Miami last year, instead of to Detroit next year.

Packers (4-4) over Vikings (4-4)
Look on the bright side, now matter how bad the Bears lose this week, we'll still be tied for first in the division with the winner of this game. Maybe not the best scenario, but it could be much worse (see 2 picks above).

Patriots (5-3) over Bills (5-3)
Last Friday I was out drinking at Delilah's. On my way out I picked up a flyer of upcoming events. Much to my surprise, I noticed that they are showing all the Bills & Sabers games live. I never would have pegged Delilah's as a Buffalo loyalist bar. Good for them, I might have to swing by and catch a game there one Sunday when the Bears are playing an off-day, or a night game. Anyway, hipster loyalty isn't gonna save them this week. I see the Patriots winning this one on their home-turf.

Jets (5-3) over Rams (2-6)
The Rams really impressed me with the win over the Skins, the Cowboys and the impressive showing against the Patriots in Foxboro. Although, after last week's pitiful display against the Cardinals, I think that I may have over-valued 'em. I'm reluctantly picking Brett's Jets in this one, but a St Louis upset wouldn't surprise me one bit.

Ravens (5-3) over Texans (3-5)
Here's the Hurricane Ike make-up game from week 2. I think that I picked the Texans to win that game back in September. I'm officially changing that pick right now.

Late Sunday Games:
Panthers (6-2) over Raiders (2-6)
All I can say about this game is: NEXT!

Steelers (6-2) over Colts (4-4)
I would be shocked if the Colts made it to the playoffs this year - The Titans have a 4 game cushion at the half-way point, and are almost guaranteed to win the division. The Colts would have to pull off an impressive winning streak to even be in the running for a playoff spot. That streak isn't going to start this game. Goodnight, Indy.

Chargers (3-5) over Chiefs (1-7)
Ha, ha, ha, ha! Your teams suck it.
I hope that neither of you clown-squads win another game this year. I'll pick Sham Diego here, and Kansas Shitty on December 14th just to spread the manure evenly for you losers.
Postgame: See, I told you that Herm Edwards was the worst coach in the NFL right now. His super-retard egotistical play-calling cost the Chiefs the win here.

Sunday Night Game:
Giants (7-1) over Eagles (5-3)
This should be a damn fine game. The Eagles play really well against the Giants, and there's no love loss between these two teams. I'm picking the Giants, but pulling for the Eagles to triumph and bring some equilibrium to the NFC East.

Monday Night Game:
Cardinals (5-3) over 49ers (2-6)
I'm so gonna watch this just to see if Samurai Mike can out-crazy Dennis Green on his old turf in the post game rant. I'm just waiting for: "The Cardinals are who we thought they were... Now look at my bare ass! LOOK AT IT!!!"
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Wrong picks in RED
Correct Picks in GREEN

Saturday, November 1, 2008

The Liar's NFL Week 9 Picks

I wasted this entire weekend reliving my childhood by endlessly playing Mega Man II on the PS2. I was at the final boss before the huge ending and realized that I didn't have enough rockets to finish the level (and no way to get 'em). Now I have to replay the entire game from the beginning, or just give up.

Seriously?!?

Is it just me, or were game designers a bunch of huge fucking pricks back then? With an entire weekend pissed away, I'm done with all that noise (unless someone releases Bionic Commando* or Kid Icarus anthologies for Xbox 360).
Anyway, I gave up on the retro video games and decided to spend my time on an equally worthless pursuit; blogging about professional sports. I'm just hoping that I don't get stuck at the end of this post and have to re-do it from word one.
That
would suck it.

Last Week's Picks: 9/5
Season Record: 69/47


Early Sunday Games:
Bills (5-2) over Jets (4-3)
The Bills are coming off of a bruising loss to Miami last week and the Jets are coming off of an unimpressive 17-seconds-from disaster win over the Chiefs last week. Favre hasn't been himself lately, and there's a bunch of speculation that his shoulder may be hinkey. I just don't think that he has what it takes right now to get the first win of his career in the city of Buffalo.

Bears (4-3) over Lions (0-7)
Remember back in week 6 when I warned the Redskins of a trap game against the winless Rams (which they subsequently lost)? Well, this is nothing like that. The Lions are so beat down that it would take Grossman behind center to hand them a win here.
Postgame: Wow, I almost jinxed that one. Sorry about the season, folks.

Jaguars (3-4) over Bengals (0-8)
The Jags are backed into a corner and trying like hell to salvage any hopes of a playoff berth. A trip to Cincinnati should heal what ails 'em (at least for this week).
Postgame: Welcome to the offseason, Jacksonville.

Browns (3-4) over Ravens (4-3)
This one really depends on which Browns team takes the field this Sunday. Will it be the team that decimated the Super Bowl Champion Giants in week 6, or the team that sucked out loud in their last match-up with Baltimore in week 3?

Titans (7-0) over Packers (4-3)
This game should be a lot closer than anyone is expecting, and Green Bay has a good shot at an upset here. I'm hoping that the Titans win, but that the Pack lays down the hurt on Tennessee - The more stocked the Titan's DL is next week, the better shot the Bears have of ousting the last undefeated team in the NFL.

Buccaneers (5-3) over Chiefs (1-6)
The Bucs are a total mystery. They go from looking like a Super Bowl caliber team to a bumbling train wreck from week to week. It's downright perplexing. On the other hand, the Chiefs always look like crap. Thank you, Kansas City for making this an easy pick.

Rams (2-5) over Cardinals (4-3)
Since the Rams dumped (ex-head coach) Linehan, they've won two and had a shot at a win on the road against the mighty Patriots last week. WTF? That's crazy.

Vikings (3-4) over Texans (3-4)
Here's the coin-toss game of the week. This one could easily go either way. I'm doing what I always do in this situation: 1) pick the home team and/or 2) pick the team I want to lose, so that regardless of the result, I'm happy.

Late Sunday Games:
Dolphins (3-4) over Broncos (4-3)
I have no fucking idea why I'm picking Miami to pull off the upset at Mile-High Stadium. Call it a stupid, stupid hunch.

Falcons (4-3) over Raiders (2-5)
The only wins Oakland has gotten this year were over the Chiefs and the hobbled Jets. The Falcons haven't been giving up "gimme" games this year. All signs point toward an Atlanta win.

Giants (6-1) over Cowboys (5-3)
If Romo was in this one, It'd be a great fucking game. He's not. If you enjoy watching the Cowboys get loads of comeuppance, watch this one. If you're a gentle soul, turn away.

Eagles (4-3) over Seahawks (2-5)
It's the Battle of the Birds round II. Last week the winged raptors of Philly made a meal out of the fighting Falcons of Atlanta. This week they get the broken budgies of scenic Puget Sound. Okay, This really isn't a battle, more of a mercy killing.

Sunday Night Game:
Patriots (5-2) over Colts (3-4)
When they were making up the schedule in the offseason, this must have looked like a powerhouse match-up of two (potentially undefeated) teams. That would have been great to watch. Now? Meh. I wouldn't be surprised if neither of these teams made the playoffs this year.

Monday Night Game:
Redskins (6-2) over Steelers (5-2)
WATCH THIS GAME! This is the marquee match-up of the week. Both of these teams are at the top of their games, and this should be a spectacle to behold. It's gonna be a good one.
Go Skins!
Postgame: I really hope you didn't watch that game. Ugh!
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Wrong picks in RED
Correct Picks in GREEN


*Fuck me; they're releasing a NEW Bionic Commando with Mike Patton (Faith No More/Mr. Bungle) voicing the protagonist. I may be excited about a video game for the first time in 20 years.