Thursday, December 24, 2009

The Liar's NFL Week 16 Picks

It's Christmas Eve and I'm getting ready for my annual "Fairytale of New York" bar crawl. Before my booze-fueled wassailing adventure commences, I really should post up some picks before I get locked in the drunk tank for the weekend.
Here we go:

Last Week's Picks: 9/7
Season Record: 147/77

Friday Night Game:
Chargers (11-3) over Titans* (7-7)
I had the Titans winning this one, and then just spent the last 10 minutes trying to type out an explanation that didn't sound completely retarded. I failed, and then promptly changed my pick.

Early Sunday Games:
Falcons* (7-7) over Bills (5-9)
Both of these teams are done for the season. I'm not going to waste any more time here.

Bengals* (9-5) over Chiefs (3-11)
The Bengals have to win just one more to lock down a playoff berth. Here it is.

Raiders (5-9) over Browns* (3-11)
Both of these terrible teams have been looking pretty damned good lately. Trippy.

Packers* (9-5) over Seahawks (5-9)
The Packers need one more win (or a Giants loss) to secure a wild-card spot. Go Seattle!

Dolphins* (7-7) over Texans (7-7)
Hey everybody, It's the Mediocrity Bowl!

Patriots* (9-5) over Jaguars (7-7)
The Pats have been shaky this season, but not at home.

Saints* (13-1) over Buccaneers (2-12)
Well, the Saints got their loss outta the way last week. Conversely, the Buccaneers got their win outta the way last week.

Giants* (8-6) over Panthers (6-8)
The G-Men need to win to stay in.
Postgame: OUT!

Ravens (8-6) over Steelers* (7-7)
Apparently I'm the only one who thinks that the Steelers are gonna lose here. No matter how bad Pittsburgh wants to win, Baltimore wants them to lose twice as much.

Late Sunday Games:
Cardinals* (9-5) over Rams (1-13)
The Cards are in the playoffs again this year.... hoo-fucking-ray.

49ers* (6-8) over Lions (2-12)
Yeah, My prediction of the Niners winning the NFC West isn't looking so hot right now.

Colts* (14-0) over Jets* (7-7)
Now that the Saints are out, I'm pulling for the Colts to stay undefeated and win the Super Bowl just so the '72 Dolphins can finally shut the fuck up.
Postgame: Dear Indy, You're dead to me - I hope you soulless fucks have fun losing in the AFC divisional round. That was the most pathetic surrender of a game in the history of sport, and I sincerely I hope you never win another game until your franchise gets shipped out to LA.

Broncos (8-6) over Eagles* (10-4)
I still believe, but it's taking more and more booze each week to do so.

Cowboys (9-5) over Redskins* (4-10)
Yeah, yeah, yeah - I know I said last week that I was gonna pick the Skins here, but this pick is already sandwiched by two even stupider picks.

Monday Night Game:
Bears* (5-9) over Vikings (11-3)
I'm not sure if it's the Christmas spirit, or the distilled spirits I've been sipping throughout the typing out of this post, but I'm predicting a holiday miracle right here. Don't ask me why - I'm far too buzzed to type out an explanation.
Postgame: I fucking told you so!
I'm like Scatman Crothers up in this shit
.
---

Wrong Picks in RED
Correct Picks in GREEN
*Indicates Home Team

Thursday, December 17, 2009

The Liar's NFL Week 15 Picks

I'm not going to get to watch most of the games this week. Thursday I'm heading out to Quenchers for a show, Saturday I'm going to try and make it out to DeKalb, and Sunday the family is doing an early Christmas. I should be able to catch the Skins -vs- Giants game on Monday... Fuck it - I'll take it.

Woo-Hoo, holidays!

Last Week's Picks: 11/5
Season Record: 138/70

Thursday Night Game:
Colts (13-0) over Jaguars* (7-6)

Around this time every year the Colts have homefield locked down. They put in their 3rd stringers so that their star players can get slow, lazy, and lose to the Chargers in the first round of the playoffs. I'm hoping that they've learned that lesson and play through like men.

Saturday Night Game:
Saints* (13-0) over Cowboys (8-5)
There's only one thing that could get me to miss what looks to be the game of the week: OLD DOG'S MOTHERFUCKING BIRTHDAY!!! I'm gonna try like hell to get out to D-Town and beer it up with everyone's favorite aged canid.

Early Sunday Games:
Patriots (8-5) over Bills* (5-8)
The Patriots really need to get their first (domestic) road win here. I'd feel better about this pick if this was one of the Bills' Canadian outings, as the Pats are undefeated in foreign lands so far this season.

Cardinals (8-5) over Lions* (2-11)
I can't tell you how happy a Lions win here would make me. C'mon Detroit, try not to fail at one thing for once.

Titans* (6-7) over Dolphins (7-6)
Miami has a lot more to play for in this one, but a loss (effectively) ends the Titans season. I say that Tennessee has just enough fight left in 'em to pull this off.

Chiefs* (3-10) over Browns (2-11)
The Browns got in their statement win last week (against the Steelers), the Chiefs got their statement win back in week 11 (against the Steelers) - Fucking Steelers.

Texans (6-7) over Rams* (1-12)
Hey, look! It's a game that I feel safe in picking the Texans. Finally.

Jets* (7-6) over Falcons (6-7)
The Falcons are still filthy with injuries, and the Jets proved that they could win big last week without their star QB (who should be back for this one). Then again, the decimated Falcons almost upended the undefeated Saints last week, so...

Eagles* (9-4) over 49ers (6-7)
San Francisco is looking like a championship team now that I turned my back on them (for the umpteenth time this season). On the other side, the Beagles are en fuego right now. This has all the makings of a classic slug-match, but I have a feeling that it's going to be a huge let down.

Ravens* (7-6) over Bears (5-8)
The Bears are out for the season - At this point all they can do is lay down and try and secure a high draft pick for the Broncos.

Late Sunday Games:
Broncos (8-5) over Raiders* (4-9)
The Raiders are starting Charlie Frye at quarterback this week. It's official: The QB that wasn't good enough for the Cleveland Browns is still better than JaMarcus Russell.

Bengals (9-4) over Chargers* (10-3)
24 hours ago I would have picked the Chargers here. Chris Henry's death changes all that. I say the Bengals win on emotion (as did the Skins late in 2007 after the death of Sean Taylor).

Steelers* (6-7) over Packers (9-4)
I couldn't be more over the Steelers right now, but I'm hoping that someone (anyone) lays down the hurt on the Pack before the playoffs.

Seahawks* (5-8) over Buccaneers (1-12)
I'm kinda in a rush here to get out to the bar. I'm not gonna waste any more time trying to think of anything insightful to say about this turd-bowl.

Sunday Night Game:
Vikings (11-2) over Panthers* (5-8)

I sure am glad that Green Bay shipped Favre off to New York so that the Bears wouldn't have to worry about that clown dominating the NFC North.
Wait... what?!?!

Monday Night Game:
Giants (7-6) over Redskins* (4-9)

I'm seriously tempted to pick the Skins here, but I think that they're saving up all of their upsettin' for the final game against the Cowboys.
---

Wrong Picks in RED
Correct Picks in GREEN
*Indicates Home Team

Thursday, December 10, 2009

The Liar's NFL Week 14 Picks

Well, this week is already off to inauspicious start (fucking Steelers). Here's hoping (against hope) that the Thursday game isn't a portent of things to come.

Last Week's Picks: 9/7
Season Record: 127/65

Thursday Night Game:
Steelers (6-6) over Browns* (1-11)

I'm going miss this one. Why, you ask? Because I'm gonna be rocking out to Cheap Trick at the Allstate Arena. In your face, sports.
Postgame: By the looks of it, the Steelers would have had a much better night if they (collectively) had snuck out to a concert.

Early Sunday Games:
Saints* (12-0) over Falcons (6-6)
New Orleans has "Who Dat", Cincinnati has "Who Dey". The Norwad & I decided that we're going to popularize "To Whom Does That Concern" as the new Bears slogan. I think it's damned catchy.

Packers (8-4) over Bears* (5-7)
Okay, I think that the Bears are probably gonna win this as a last-gasp grasp at mediocrity, but I've gotten hard-screwed this season in picking the Bears and picking against the Pack. I'm going with the brain over the heart.
Postgame: After that goat-rope, does anyone doubt that the problem with the Bears lies with the coaching staff?

Colts* (12-0) over Broncos (8-4)
I'd like to see a Denver win here, but you never pick against the Juggernaut, bitch.

Bills (4-8) over Chiefs* (3-9)
The Bills have been decent since they gave the Dick of Jauron his walking papers. Decent is all you need to beat the Chiefs.

Vikings* (10-2) over Bengals (9-3)
I could make a solid argument for Cincy in this one, but (at this point) the Vikes have more to play for.

Patriots* (7-5) over Panthers (5-7)
The Patriots don't lose in New England (or old England). They lose everywhere else.

Jets (6-6) over Buccaneers* (1-11)
Mark "Dirty" Sanchez is grounded for pulling an "invisible pool" dive in their last outing, but if things get hairy he'll be back in.

Dolphins (6-6) over Jaguars* (7-5)
I don't "get" either of these teams this season. Then again, all things Florida are somewhat of a mystery to me. Skunk ape, WTF?

Ravens* (6-6) over Lions (2-10)
Charm City has a decent shot at an AFC wild-card slot this year. Motor City has a good shot at its own foot.

Texans* (5-7) over Seahawks (5-7)
I don't wanna talk about it.

Late Sunday Games:
Titans* (5-7) over Rams (1-11)
Tennessee still has a (far) shot at the post-season this year. It ain't gonna happen, but they're gonna play for it.

Raiders* (4-8) over Redskins (3-9)
I've been saying since week 3 that the Raiders would be a decidedly better team without JaMarcus Russell. I've been saying for years that my Skins would be a better team without their owner, coaching staff, and a good chunk of their offense.
Postgame: Well, that just proved my point. The Raiders were looking good until JaMarcus came in and sucked it all up. If I were Al Davis (which, thankfuly, I'm not), I'd shoot that clown out of a cannon ASAP.

Cowboys* (8-4) over Chargers (9-3)
Okay, this is a sucker's bet. I'm not buying into a December Cowboys curse (despite all of the evidence), and still am holding out hope for Denver to win the AFC West (despite all of the evidence to the contrary).
Postgame: Okay, I'm buying it (as is DeMarcus Ware).

Sunday Night Game:
Giants* (7-5) over Eagles (8-4)
Who knows what'll happen in any NFC East divisional match-up? It's fucking nutty. I'm going with the home squadron.

Monday Night Game:
Cardinals (8-4) over 49ers* (5-7)
Dear Niners,
You've repeatedly let me down this season, and I have come to realize that I just can't count on you when it matters. I think we should see other people.
Yours in Christ,
The Liar
---

Wrong Picks in RED
Correct Picks in GREEN
*Indicates Home Team

Thursday, December 3, 2009

The Liar's NFL Week 13 Picks

It's week 13, and I'm back above .666% (2/3) in my picks.
13 and 666; what possibly could go wrong?

Last Week's Picks: 14/2
Season Record: 118/58

Thursday Night Game:
Jets (5-6) over Bills (4-7)*
The Bills have been on a tear since jettisoning Jauron. The Jets are stuck in a holding pattern and praying their fuel holds out for another week. All signs point toward a Bills win, but I think that New York has enough talent to slip by.

Early Sunday Games:
Eagles (7-4) over Falcons* (6-5)
Atlanta is burning. Just when they need to make a push, the core of the team is on the sideline with a plethora of injuries. The Eagles are circling the Georgia Dome looking for an easy meal.

Bears* (4-7) over Rams (1-10)
Our Dear and Benevolent Leader is an avowed Bears fan, so (with a bit of string-pulling) after the Rams we have the Miami Caliente, the Rockford Rampage Futbol LLC, the Stanford Marching Band, and the Detroit Lions. I say we end the season at 8 & 8.

Bengals* (8-3) over Lions (2-9)
One of these perpetual jokes of the NFL is going to the playoffs this year. It ain't Detroit.

Colts* (11-0) over Titans (5-6)
A bunch of idiots experts are picking the Titans to pull off an upset here. They're probably just rolling with it because last week their call of the Texans upending the Colts worked out so well for them.

Broncos (7-4) over Chiefs* (3-8)
I'm kicking myself for not going with my hunch and picking the Broncos last Thursday. Sorry, guys.

Patriots (7-4) over Dolphins* (5-6)
The Patriots have been struggling lately (against some very good teams). It's that time of the year when they lay down on the gas and plow into the postseason.

Steelers* (6-5) over Raiders (3-8)
I'm seriously tempted to pick Oakland up in this one. Really.

Saints (11-0) over Redskins* (3-8)
Hey, New Orleans: TRAP GAME!!! Watch out. The Skins have been playing sharp. If you look past this one it'll come back and bite you on the ass.
Postgame: Told you so.

Panthers* (4-7) over Buccaneers (1-10)
Word is, if Jake Delhomme keeps throwing multiple interceptions per game, that the Bears are going to sign him to a 5 year deal in the offseason.

Texans (5-6) over Jaguars* (6-5)
I didn't want to pick the Texans here. An older boy forced me to do it.
--that's the story I'm sticking to--
Postgame: If I had known that Grossman was going to go in, I would have never made this pick (regardless of coercion).

Late Sunday Games:
Chargers (8-3) over Browns* (1-10)
Hey, Mangina: If you want to think about winning a game or two this season, this would be a great time to start.

Cowboys (8-3) over Giants* (6-5)
Dallas is hoping that it can kick the December slump that it always seem to fall into. It's bound to happen one year, right?

49ers (5-6) over Seahawks* (4-7)
My pick for NFC West champion still hasn't broke .500 yet. No, it wasn't Seattle.

Sunday Night Game:
Vikings (10-1) over Cardinals* (7-4)
If my aforementioned NFC West pick is gonna make it, they're gonna need some serious help. Thanx, Minnesota.

Monday Night Game:
Ravens (6-5) over Packers* (7-4)
Okay, The Pack win one trash game against the decimated Lions and now everyone has them penciled in as a NFC wild-card team. Really?!? Are you fucking serious?