The Liar's NFL Week 3 Picks

Man, I've been sick-as-hell all week. The upside? I've been stuck to the couch and have been watching a lot of last week's games (in their entirety) on on-demand. Okay, maybe that really isn't an upside, per se, but hopefully I figured out some teams in my fevered delirium. I even took notes; lemme see... It says right here that the Browns are going all the way this year.... Oh, shit. Nevermind.

Last Week's Picks: 10/6
Season Record: 18/14

Early Sunday Games:

Chiefs* (2-0) over 49ers (0-2)

Fuck this, I'm not picking the win-less Niners in a road game against an undefeated team no matter how badly I want to.

Vikings* (0-2) over Lions (0-2)

I sorta feel bad for the Lions, they lost two really close games at the last minute. Make it three after this week.

Patriots* (1-1) over Bills (0-2)

The Bills have a secret weapon that they're unveiling against the Pats this week. That secret weapon is... Ryan Fitzpatrick?!?! What a bunch of Chan Gaywads.

Saints* (2-0) over Falcons (1-1)

The Saints are looking really shaky right now and they're missing the former Mr. Heisman at RB, I'm still not betting against 'em.

Titans (1-1) over Giants* (1-1)

It's a toss-up on which of these teams is more dysfunctional at the moment. I say it's NY.

Steelers (2-0) over Buccaneers* (2-0)

I'm done picking against the Steelers after getting burned two weeks in a row. I'm not quite done picking against the Bucs after getting burned two weeks in a row.

Bengals (1-1) over Panthers* (0-2)

**in olde-tyme announcer voice**
Here comes the young Jimmy Pickles to propel the poor pathetic Panthers to platitudes of plaudits... possibly. I possess a premonition that his putrescence play will pause purely for punting. I'm positively picking against the Panthers in this roughshod pussy-fight.

Ravens* (1-1) over Browns (0-2)

My brain hurts after that last one - Luckily, this one is an easy pick. Despite my aforementioned fevered scribblings, the Browns are (in fact) not good.

Texans* (2-0) over Cowboys (0-2)

Week 1: I picked the Cowboys to beat my Redskins - They lost. Week 2: I picked the Cowboys to beat my Bears - They lost. I fucking LOVE this team. As a reward, I'm going to pick against 'em this week so they can go ahead and get a win.

Late Sunday Games:

Redskins (1-1) over Rams* (0-2)

Aaaaargh! The Skins are one sneaky overtime time-out away from being undefeated. Man, that's still killing me. This week they get a conciliatory trip to the 'Gateway to the West' to play with the Sheep.

Jaguars* (1-1) over Eagles (1-1)

Ooooh, Mike Vick (barely) beat the Lions last week - He's so good. Kevin Kolb is lucky he got benched. The Beagles' O-Line is one of the worst in the league, and whoever Philly has behind center is going to be running for their lives all afternoon.

Colts (1-1) over Broncos* (1-1)

I really want to like the Broncos... they just make it so damned hard.

Cardinals* (1-1) over Raiders (1-1)

I was ecstatic when the Redskins got McNabb and traded starting QB, Jason Campbell, to Oakland. He made it two whole games. Gradkowski starts for the Raiders in this one.

Chargers (1-1) over Seahawks* (1-1)

I can't figure out why I'm picking the Chargers here. San Diego always starts off slow, their team is on the verge of revolt, and Seattle dominated in their home opener. I think I'm just playing it "safe" and going with the favorite because my next two picks are really out on a limb.

Sunday Night Game:

Jets (1-1) over Dolphins* (2-0)

I should pick the Fish in their (humid) home opener, but I'm still damned impressed with the Jets win over the Pats last week. NY has the swagger going into this one, and I'm a sucker for swagger.

Monday Night Game:

Bears* (2-0) over Packers (2-0)

Okay, fuckers... I'm picking you here, don't bitch me on this one. I figured that the Bears would split with the Pack this year and if they can get a win here they will be in a very good position for their upcoming East-Coast 2 game road-trip. They lose here, and the Bears are who we thought they were, and we prematurely crowned their ass.
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Wrong Picks in pantone #cc0000
Correct Picks in pantone #38761d
*Indicates Home Team