The Liar's NFL Week 17 Picks

It's the final week of the NFL regular season. It's been a good run. This week it seems that there are equal measure of must-watch games to disposable games (which is a far greater ratio than any other given week). Should be interesting all day long. Couch, prepare to be assed.

Last Week's Picks: 8/8
Season Record: 143/97

Early Sunday Games:
Patriots* (13-2) over Dolphins (7-8)
The Patriots don't even need to show up for this one, but the Pats always play hard going into the post-season.

Saints* (11-4) over Buccaneers (9-6)

Remember when the Bucs were 9&2 and I said they'd miss the playoffs? Well I did.

Falcons* (12-3) over Panthers (2-13)

Oh, dear lord. I'd wager that the Falcons' 3rd stringers are better than the Panthers' 1st stringers.

Lions* (5-10) over Vikings (6-9)

The last three weeks I've told you how Detroit was going to pull the upset and then picked against 'em. Old habits die hard. I'm making it up to Motown this week.

Chiefs (10-5) over Raiders* (7-8)

Yay, Chiefs! Congratulations.

Jets* (10-5) over Bills (4-11)

The Jets don't need to win to advance, but if they don't win here they'll be going into the postseason having lost 4 of their last 5 games.

Ravens* (11-4) over Bengals (4-11)

The Bungles gave the Chargers the dirty shocker last week (thanks for that). I don't see lightning striking twice in consecutive weeks.

Steelers (11-4) over Browns* (5-10)

Steelers are playing for the bye here. They win, they get next week off. Then again, it seems that they do better in the playoffs when they don't get the bye.

Late Sunday Games:
Bears (11-4) over Packers* (9-6)
The Bears have the bye nailed down, but they NEED to win this fucker. Bears nation is going to go apoplectic if they don't knock the hated Pack out of the playoff picture. Granted, we match up better with the Packers than the Giants (who will advance if the Pack loses), but it goes against all Beardom to give ANYTHING to our nemeses to the North. Let's cut this turd lose, Chicago.

Jaguars (8-7) over Texans* (5-10)

The Jags are still looking from the outside at the postseason. I say they win here and pray for the Colts to flounder.

Cowboys (5-10) over Eagles* (10-5)

The Beagles are set in the playoff picture. I say they rest their injured stars and get ready for next week. The Boys are going to play this one hard as a statement game.

Giants (9-6) over Redskins* (6-9)

Hold up... Okay, even if the Bears beat the Pack, Green Bay can get in with a Skins win here and a Bucs loss in New Orleans. It's not as much of a long-shot as you think.

Broncos* (4-11) over Chargers (8-7)

The Chargers are dead, and (since they're a bunch of little sissy-bitches) they never play when there's nothing on the line. Say what you will about the Broncos, but they always seem to give it their all (and come up way short).

49ers* (5-10) over Cardinals (5-10)

Welcome to the Osco Brand^® Suppository Bowl!

Colts* (9-6) over Titans (6-9)

The Colts still either need a win or a Jags loss to advance. The Jags/Texans game is being played simultaneous to this one, so the Colts can't roll over like they have in the final games of the past few years.

Sunday Night Games:
Rams (7-8) over Seahawks* (6-9)
Fucking NFC West. I'm secretly hoping that the Shawks win this one (which is not unlikely), so I can point out to every Packers fan that their team is out while a sub-.500 team is in. "No really, the Seahawks are far superior to your Pack. Oh really? Then when are the Packers playing their playoff game this month? Thought so. You suck."
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Wrong Picks in pantone #cc0000
Correct Picks in pantone #38761d
*Indicates Home Team

The Liar's NFL Week 16 Picks

It's Christmas weekend and I've graciously taken some time away from my wassailing to crap out some festive picks for you. Let's get right to this so I can get back to my holiday spirits.
Have a safe weekend and beware the Krampus.

Last Week's Picks: 9/7
Season Record: 135/89

Thursday Night Game:
Steelers* (10-4) over Panthers (2-12)
The Steelers are coming off of a hard loss to the Jets last week. The Panthers are coming off a hard loss to everybody they've played this season (excepting the Cardinals & 49ers, which don't really count as NFL teams since they play in the NFC West).

Saturday Night Game:
Cowboys (5-9) over Cardinals* (4-10)
Ho, Ho, Fuck you. What grinch scheduled this lump of coal as the X-Mas game? Granted, last year these were both playoff teams that won their respective divisions, but how quickly the mighty have fallen. I'm not watching this crap, if you need me I'll be getting my holiday spirits on at Liar's Club.

Early Sunday Games:
Jets (10-4) over Bears* (10-4)
Don't get me wrong, The Bears should win this one. I just think that the Jets are going to be playing desperate. The Bears are playing for a bye, the Jets are playing for their lives.

Dolphins* (7-7) over Lions (4-10)

Why am I not picking the Lions here? They have become the NFL inquisition late in the season beating down all of the fraud-teams with over-inflated records (Redskins, Packers, Buccaneers). They should win here too.

Rams* (6-8) over 49ers (5-9)

I'm saving my final NFC West rant for next week, so I'm kinda wishing that the Rams lose here and the Shawks lose later so I can get properly riled about a sub-.500 team making the playoffs.

Patriots (12-2) over Bills* (4-10)

Just when the Patriots seem unstoppable, they always seem to give up a conference game to the Bills or Dolphins. I say that it's too late in the season for that to happen here, but I'm keeping one eye on this one.

Ravens (10-4) over Browns* (5-9)

It doesn't look like the Ravens can win the division (unless they win-out and the Steelers lose against these Browns next week), still one more win and they lock down a playoff spot. They should get it done on the road.

Jaguars* (8-6) over Redskins (5-9)

Fuck you, Redskins. Rex "Fumbles" Grossman... are you fucking kidding me?!?! I hate you so much right now. --spits--

Chiefs* (9-5) over Titans (6-8)

I need the Chiefs to win the AFC West. I'm so fucking sick of the Chargers, all I want is one year off. Six decades would be preferable, but I'll take one year.

Late Sunday Games:
Broncos* (3-11) over Texans (5-9)
And I'm picking Denver because? Oh, that's right; I don't care.

Colts (8-6) over Raiders* (7-7)

I'm not sure how I feel about the AFC South picture. I'm sick of the Colts, and would LOVE to see them fail after dumping the chance at the perfect season last year. Then again, if the Colts miss the playoffs, we get Jacksonville which is about as exciting as a can of generic corn. Whatever.

Chargers (8-6) over Bengals* (3-11)

Hey Cincinnati, you were founded in 1788, don't you think it's about time that you do one thing right? Knock out the Chargers here and we'll all overlook the two hundred and twenty two years of mediocrity.

Giants (9-5) over Packers* (8-6)

I'm really tempted to pick the Pack at home. They win here, and they have a shot at the playoffs. They lose here, and they're all but out. I'm just more convinced in their ability to fail than in their ability to win.

Buccaneers* (8-6) over Seahawks (6-8)

Okay, I'm getting bored with typing out picks. Make up something interesting about this game on your own.

Sunday Night Game:
Eagles* (10-4) over Vikings (5-9)
I am thrilled beyond words that Brett Favre was nice enough to come back the game immediately after his starting streak was broken just to let the Bears end his career. What a guy.

Monday Night Game:
Falcons* (12-2) over Saints (10-4)
Even though they probably won't win the division, a Saints win here would be HUGE. That being said, the Falcons never lose at home.
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Wrong Picks in pantone #cc0000
Correct Picks in pantone #38761d
*Indicates Home Team

The Liar's NFL Week 15 Picks

This is when things get interesting.  This week would be nearly perfect if I didn't have my bowling league at the exact same time as the Bears -vs- Vikings game.  I guess you can't win 'em all.  Enough bitching, here are some picks:

Last Week's Picks: 10/6
Season Record: 126/82

Thursday Night Game:
Chargers* (7-6) over 49ers (5-8)
I had picked the Niners to win the NFC West this year. Now at 5&8 they're... still in it?!?! Are you fucking serious?! If Samurai Mike's turd-squad can off the hated Chargers for me I promise to take back all of the horribly offensive things I've said about them (and their mothers) this season.

Early Sunday Games:
Cowboys* (4-9) over Redskins (5-8)
ChrisB called this one: Skins, Let me get this straight, your KICKER botches TWO extra point attempts, you lose the game by ONE point, so you bench.... the QUARTERBACK?!?!? FUCK YOU! The starting of Rex Grossman this week confirms my long-held belief that Shanahan is a clueless hack. This move pisses me off almost as much as when he benched Plummer for Cutler back in '06.

Saints (10-3) over Ravens* (9-4)

Okay, gotta settle down. I want to pick the Ravens at home, but I have a feeling that I'm overestimating Baltimore. The Saints know that if they want to repeat, they best win the division and stay the fuck outta Atlanta in the playoffs. New Orleans needs to win-out for that to happen.

Cardinals (4-9) over Panthers* (1-12)

This week is filled with great games. This isn't one of them. I'm not wasting my time with this draft-jockeying.

Browns (5-8) over Bengals* (2-11)

This isn't a great game either, but at least it's interesting. The Bengals looked golden at the start of the season, and have fallen apart past the point of redemption. The Browns looked destitute at the start, but have really shown some promise this season. Truly a tale of two (terrible) towns.

Colts* (7-6) over Jaguars (8-5)

Everything tells me to pick Jacksonville here, but I'm not betting against Indy (no matter how bad they've looked recently) in a knock-out game.

Dolphins* (7-6) over Bills (3-10)

I like the Bills, but the Fish have been playing with some spunk lately. At this point, they can even win at home.

Buccaneers* (8-5) over Lions (3-10)

I love me some Lions! I'm so fucking happy that they killed the Pack last week and knocked out Not-Favre for this week that I'm tempted to pick 'em here out of deference.

Eagles (9-4) over Giants* (9-4)

The winner here (discounting any catastrophe) takes the division. The loser is left to struggle for a wild-card spot. The way Philly has been playing lately, it looks like it's their game to win (or lose).

Chiefs (8-5) over Rams* (6-7)

Who could have guessed when this game was announced in April that it would have playoff consequences for either team. Pretty impressive considering that these two teams won a combined 5 games last year. Despite Cassel's questionable status, I'm picking the Chiefs out of my hatred of the Chargers (and not as any slight to the Rams).

Texans (5-8) over Titans* (5-8)

Right now I'm glad that I have zero affinity toward either of these teams. What an embarrassment these two teams turned out to be this year.

Late Sunday Games:
Falcons (11-2) over Seahawks* (6-7)
The Shawks play tough at home, but the Falcons very well could be the best NFC team right now.

Raiders* (6-7) over Broncos (3-10)

Denver, you broke my heart - You're dead to me. The Raiders only stole my wallet.

Steelers* (10-3) over Jets (9-4)

I'm kinda pulling for the Jets in this one so that they're not crazy-desperate coming into Soldier Field next week.

Sunday Night Game:
Patriots* (11-2) over Packers (8-5)
Bye bye, Packers! Your season ends right here. --flush, swirl, gone--

Monday Night Game:
Bears (9-4) over Vikings** (5-8)
Last week Favre ended his 297 game starting streak, and the Vikings QB of the future, Tarvaris Jackson , lasted not even 297 minutes before landing on the disabled list. Bwwwahahahahaha! I'm not sure if rookie Joe Webb and Patrick Ramsey (the former Skins QB) will make it through this one for Minnesota. The Vikings are dead, long live the Bears!
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Wrong Picks in pantone #cc0000
Correct Picks in pantone #38761d
*Indicates Home Team
**Indicates game being played in the Triple Rock Social Club parking lot, or equally inauspicious venue

The Liar's NFL Week 14 Picks

It's Friday night, I just spent the last couple of hours getting the remaining picks up, and I can't think of one interesting thing to write about week 14 of this NFL season, so I'm going to make this brief:
It's week 14, the time when teams are made, seasons are lost, and appendices go missing.
Okay, it's not much, but it gives me an excuse to use the (lesser used) plural of appendix, and that's good enough for me.

Last Week's Picks: 11/5
Season Record: 116/76

Thursday Night Game:
Colts (6-6) over Titans (5-7)
Man, the Colts stink on ice this season. Things could be worse - they could be the Titans, who are the sporting equivalent of the smoldering remains of a burnt-out short bus with partially immolated handicapped children hanging dead from every half-opened window.

Early Sunday Games:
Browns (5-7) over Bills* (2-10)
These are my two favorite losers right now (Denver, you're cut). I'd watch this game in it's entirety if the Chicago market had it.

Steelers* (9-3) over Bengals (2-10)

The highlight of the season very well may have been Roethlisberger getting tampons shoved into his bloody nostrils last week. He's one tough motherfucker (sisterfucker, auntfucker, secondcousinfucker, drunkgirlfucker, et aliae).

Jaguars* (7-5) over Raiders (6-6)

I have no idea why I'm picking Jacksonville. Apparently, they've hypno-toaded me with their supernatural boringness.

Redskins* (5-7) over Buccaneers (7-5)

I'm still holding out the slightest of hope that my Skins don't totally suck. The Bucs don't win against teams with winning records, let's see how they do with a team that's within sight of .500.

Packers (8-4) over Lions* (2-10)

It wouldn't surprise me one bit of the Lions won this one at home. They've ALMOST pulled several upsets this year, and seem due to get at least one.

Falcons (10-2) over Panthers* (1-11)

Oh, dear god. Someone put this game out of its misery.

Late Sunday Games:
Patriots (10-2) over Bears* (9-3)
It's not 1985 - Settle down. I'm amazed at how many people are picking the Bears in this one after the Pats dismantling of the Jets last week. I say the Bears have a puncher's chance, but I'm going with my head on the pick. That being said, if the Bears win here (or even make it close) by Monday everyone will have the Bears as their NFC Super Bowl pick.

Saints* (9-3) over Rams (6-6)

I'd like to see the Rams win the NFC West (hey, someone has to), but I think that the Seahawks are going to edge them in the end.

Seahawks (6-6) over 49ers* (4-8)

Speaking of which... Fucking NFC West.

Broncos (3-9) over Cardinals* (3-9)

Why am I picking the 3&9 Broncos the week after they lost their head coach? Because (you guessed it) they're playing an NFC West turd-squad.

Jets* (9-3) over Dolphins (6-6)

The Jets got clowned last week in New England. That shit sticks with you. They need a solid win at home to right the ship.

Chargers* (6-6) over Chiefs (8-4)

FUCK! Matt Cassel's appendix had to go and ruin the AFC West for everyone. I really want the Chiefs to win the division, but I say that if the Chargers win here, then they take it.

Sunday Night Game:
Eagles (8-4) over Cowboys* (4-8)
The Dallas Cowboys are the NFL equivalent of Jason from the Friday the 13th film series: They're long-dead and have a nasty habit of hiding in the background and whacking whoever walks by in the face with a machete. I really want to pick 'em here, but I think the Iggles have the ability to run past this one without tripping.

Monday Night Games:
Ravens (8-4) over Texans* (5-7)
The Ravens have to be crazy-mad after that loss last week. Watch for 'em to go all Hulk up on Reliant Stadium. RAVENS SMASH!!!

Giants (8-4) over Vikings* (5-7)

This game is intriguing. Both teams are on a 2-game winning streak. The Giants are playing for the post-season and the Vikes are playing to get some respect back. A Vikes win here would be huge - I just don't see it.

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Wrong Picks in pantone #cc0000
Correct Picks in pantone #38761d
*Indicates Home Team

The Liar's NFL Week 13 Picks

It's lucky week 13, and this one's shaping up to be a damned fine week to be a football fan. There are so many good games this week that it should be a blast to watch and hell to pick.
Here's what I've got:

Last Week's Picks: 11/5
Season Record: 105/71

Thursday Night Game:
Eagles* (7-4) over Texans (5-6)
The Bears D showed how to beat the Mike Vick Iggles. I'm just not sure that the Texans are good enough to pull it off. Then again, I didn't think that the Bears were good enough either, and we all know how that one ended.

Early Sunday Games:
Bears (8-3) over Lions* (2-9)
The Lions are playing pretty damned tough right now, but unless Chicago looks past 'em they should be able to secure another win on the road.

Giants* (7-4) over Redskins (5-6)

I give up on the Skins. They win games they should lose and lose games they should win. That means they'll probably win this one to keep up the pattern of fucking me on picks.  Jerks.

Packers* (7-4) over 49ers (4-7)

It's a fucking travesty that these two teams are the same number of games out of first (1) in their (respective) divisions.

Bills (2-9) over Vikings* (4-7)

It looks like I'm the only person picking Buffalo here. I just see how hard Buffalo has been playing and how close they've been to up-ending teams far superior to the Vikes. I say they finally break their tough-luck streak up in Minneapolis.

Saints (8-3) over Bengals* (2-9)

This smacks of a trap-game. Then again, in order for one team to get trapped, the opposing team has to actually play. The Bengals haven't done that since week 3.

Jaguars (6-5) over Titans* (5-6)

Boring beats bloodied, battered, and basically bad.

Chiefs* (7-3) over Broncos (3-8)

Okay, I've given up the hope of the Chargers crapping-out. Now I'm clinging to the hope that the Chiefs can hold on.

Dolphins* (6-5) over Browns (4-7)

Man, I'm really tempted to pick Cleveland in this one. The Dolphins are not a very good team at home, and the Browns have been showing some grit recently. If I knew that Colt McCoy was starting here, I'd pick 'em in an instant.

Late Sunday Games:
Chargers* (6-5) over Raiders (5-6)
I've resigned myself to the fact that the fucking Chargers are back. I'm just hoping that the Raiders can prove me wrong.

Colts* (6-5) over Cowboys (3-7)

If the Cowboys can get a road win in Indy it would be a HUGE statement win. The Colts are hurting, but I'm not ready to leave them for dead just yet.

Falcons (9-2) over Buccaneers* (7-4)

The Bucs don't win games against teams with a winning record - Their seven wins have come against teams that have a (cumulative) record of 19 wins & 47 losses. 7&4 doesn't look so great in that light.

Rams (5-6) over Cardinals* (3-8)

Another fucking NFC West divisional game. Move along, nothing to see here.

Seahawks* (5-6) over Panthers (1-10)

Speaking of the NFC West, The Seahawks find themselves up against the ONLY team in the NFL that is worse than the best team in their division.

Sunday Night Game:
Ravens* (8-3) over Steelers (8-3)
This should be one hell of a game. I have no idea who has the edge here, but the Steelers barely pulled off an overtime win against the 2-win-Bills last week - Which wouldn't have happened if the Bills return squad wasn't tackling each other, or if Buffalo's Steve Johnson could hold onto an end-zone reception... Yeesh. I'm reluctantly going with the Ravens at home

Monday Night Game:
Patriots* (9-2) over Jets (9-2)
The Pats lost to the Jets in NY back in week two. I'd always figured that these teams would split this season, so I'm going with New England at home.
*fingers crossed*
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Wrong Picks in pantone #cc0000
Correct Picks in pantone #38761d
*Indicates Home Team