The Liar's NFL Week 17 Picks

It's the final week of the NFL regular season. It's been a good run. This week it seems that there are equal measure of must-watch games to disposable games (which is a far greater ratio than any other given week). Should be interesting all day long. Couch, prepare to be assed.

Last Week's Picks: 8/8
Season Record: 143/97

Early Sunday Games:
Patriots* (13-2) over Dolphins (7-8)
The Patriots don't even need to show up for this one, but the Pats always play hard going into the post-season.

Saints* (11-4) over Buccaneers (9-6)

Remember when the Bucs were 9&2 and I said they'd miss the playoffs? Well I did.

Falcons* (12-3) over Panthers (2-13)

Oh, dear lord. I'd wager that the Falcons' 3rd stringers are better than the Panthers' 1st stringers.

Lions* (5-10) over Vikings (6-9)

The last three weeks I've told you how Detroit was going to pull the upset and then picked against 'em. Old habits die hard. I'm making it up to Motown this week.

Chiefs (10-5) over Raiders* (7-8)

Yay, Chiefs! Congratulations.

Jets* (10-5) over Bills (4-11)

The Jets don't need to win to advance, but if they don't win here they'll be going into the postseason having lost 4 of their last 5 games.

Ravens* (11-4) over Bengals (4-11)

The Bungles gave the Chargers the dirty shocker last week (thanks for that). I don't see lightning striking twice in consecutive weeks.

Steelers (11-4) over Browns* (5-10)

Steelers are playing for the bye here. They win, they get next week off. Then again, it seems that they do better in the playoffs when they don't get the bye.

Late Sunday Games:
Bears (11-4) over Packers* (9-6)
The Bears have the bye nailed down, but they NEED to win this fucker. Bears nation is going to go apoplectic if they don't knock the hated Pack out of the playoff picture. Granted, we match up better with the Packers than the Giants (who will advance if the Pack loses), but it goes against all Beardom to give ANYTHING to our nemeses to the North. Let's cut this turd lose, Chicago.

Jaguars (8-7) over Texans* (5-10)

The Jags are still looking from the outside at the postseason. I say they win here and pray for the Colts to flounder.

Cowboys (5-10) over Eagles* (10-5)

The Beagles are set in the playoff picture. I say they rest their injured stars and get ready for next week. The Boys are going to play this one hard as a statement game.

Giants (9-6) over Redskins* (6-9)

Hold up... Okay, even if the Bears beat the Pack, Green Bay can get in with a Skins win here and a Bucs loss in New Orleans. It's not as much of a long-shot as you think.

Broncos* (4-11) over Chargers (8-7)

The Chargers are dead, and (since they're a bunch of little sissy-bitches) they never play when there's nothing on the line. Say what you will about the Broncos, but they always seem to give it their all (and come up way short).

49ers* (5-10) over Cardinals (5-10)

Welcome to the Osco Brand^® Suppository Bowl!

Colts* (9-6) over Titans (6-9)

The Colts still either need a win or a Jags loss to advance. The Jags/Texans game is being played simultaneous to this one, so the Colts can't roll over like they have in the final games of the past few years.

Sunday Night Games:
Rams (7-8) over Seahawks* (6-9)
Fucking NFC West. I'm secretly hoping that the Shawks win this one (which is not unlikely), so I can point out to every Packers fan that their team is out while a sub-.500 team is in. "No really, the Seahawks are far superior to your Pack. Oh really? Then when are the Packers playing their playoff game this month? Thought so. You suck."
---

Wrong Picks in pantone #cc0000
Correct Picks in pantone #38761d
*Indicates Home Team

The Liar's NFL Week 16 Picks

It's Christmas weekend and I've graciously taken some time away from my wassailing to crap out some festive picks for you. Let's get right to this so I can get back to my holiday spirits.
Have a safe weekend and beware the Krampus.

Last Week's Picks: 9/7
Season Record: 135/89

Thursday Night Game:
Steelers* (10-4) over Panthers (2-12)
The Steelers are coming off of a hard loss to the Jets last week. The Panthers are coming off a hard loss to everybody they've played this season (excepting the Cardinals & 49ers, which don't really count as NFL teams since they play in the NFC West).

Saturday Night Game:
Cowboys (5-9) over Cardinals* (4-10)
Ho, Ho, Fuck you. What grinch scheduled this lump of coal as the X-Mas game? Granted, last year these were both playoff teams that won their respective divisions, but how quickly the mighty have fallen. I'm not watching this crap, if you need me I'll be getting my holiday spirits on at Liar's Club.

Early Sunday Games:
Jets (10-4) over Bears* (10-4)
Don't get me wrong, The Bears should win this one. I just think that the Jets are going to be playing desperate. The Bears are playing for a bye, the Jets are playing for their lives.

Dolphins* (7-7) over Lions (4-10)

Why am I not picking the Lions here? They have become the NFL inquisition late in the season beating down all of the fraud-teams with over-inflated records (Redskins, Packers, Buccaneers). They should win here too.

Rams* (6-8) over 49ers (5-9)

I'm saving my final NFC West rant for next week, so I'm kinda wishing that the Rams lose here and the Shawks lose later so I can get properly riled about a sub-.500 team making the playoffs.

Patriots (12-2) over Bills* (4-10)

Just when the Patriots seem unstoppable, they always seem to give up a conference game to the Bills or Dolphins. I say that it's too late in the season for that to happen here, but I'm keeping one eye on this one.

Ravens (10-4) over Browns* (5-9)

It doesn't look like the Ravens can win the division (unless they win-out and the Steelers lose against these Browns next week), still one more win and they lock down a playoff spot. They should get it done on the road.

Jaguars* (8-6) over Redskins (5-9)

Fuck you, Redskins. Rex "Fumbles" Grossman... are you fucking kidding me?!?! I hate you so much right now. --spits--

Chiefs* (9-5) over Titans (6-8)

I need the Chiefs to win the AFC West. I'm so fucking sick of the Chargers, all I want is one year off. Six decades would be preferable, but I'll take one year.

Late Sunday Games:
Broncos* (3-11) over Texans (5-9)
And I'm picking Denver because? Oh, that's right; I don't care.

Colts (8-6) over Raiders* (7-7)

I'm not sure how I feel about the AFC South picture. I'm sick of the Colts, and would LOVE to see them fail after dumping the chance at the perfect season last year. Then again, if the Colts miss the playoffs, we get Jacksonville which is about as exciting as a can of generic corn. Whatever.

Chargers (8-6) over Bengals* (3-11)

Hey Cincinnati, you were founded in 1788, don't you think it's about time that you do one thing right? Knock out the Chargers here and we'll all overlook the two hundred and twenty two years of mediocrity.

Giants (9-5) over Packers* (8-6)

I'm really tempted to pick the Pack at home. They win here, and they have a shot at the playoffs. They lose here, and they're all but out. I'm just more convinced in their ability to fail than in their ability to win.

Buccaneers* (8-6) over Seahawks (6-8)

Okay, I'm getting bored with typing out picks. Make up something interesting about this game on your own.

Sunday Night Game:
Eagles* (10-4) over Vikings (5-9)
I am thrilled beyond words that Brett Favre was nice enough to come back the game immediately after his starting streak was broken just to let the Bears end his career. What a guy.

Monday Night Game:
Falcons* (12-2) over Saints (10-4)
Even though they probably won't win the division, a Saints win here would be HUGE. That being said, the Falcons never lose at home.
---

Wrong Picks in pantone #cc0000
Correct Picks in pantone #38761d
*Indicates Home Team

The Liar's NFL Week 15 Picks

This is when things get interesting.  This week would be nearly perfect if I didn't have my bowling league at the exact same time as the Bears -vs- Vikings game.  I guess you can't win 'em all.  Enough bitching, here are some picks:

Last Week's Picks: 10/6
Season Record: 126/82

Thursday Night Game:
Chargers* (7-6) over 49ers (5-8)
I had picked the Niners to win the NFC West this year. Now at 5&8 they're... still in it?!?! Are you fucking serious?! If Samurai Mike's turd-squad can off the hated Chargers for me I promise to take back all of the horribly offensive things I've said about them (and their mothers) this season.

Early Sunday Games:
Cowboys* (4-9) over Redskins (5-8)
ChrisB called this one: Skins, Let me get this straight, your KICKER botches TWO extra point attempts, you lose the game by ONE point, so you bench.... the QUARTERBACK?!?!? FUCK YOU! The starting of Rex Grossman this week confirms my long-held belief that Shanahan is a clueless hack. This move pisses me off almost as much as when he benched Plummer for Cutler back in '06.

Saints (10-3) over Ravens* (9-4)

Okay, gotta settle down. I want to pick the Ravens at home, but I have a feeling that I'm overestimating Baltimore. The Saints know that if they want to repeat, they best win the division and stay the fuck outta Atlanta in the playoffs. New Orleans needs to win-out for that to happen.

Cardinals (4-9) over Panthers* (1-12)

This week is filled with great games. This isn't one of them. I'm not wasting my time with this draft-jockeying.

Browns (5-8) over Bengals* (2-11)

This isn't a great game either, but at least it's interesting. The Bengals looked golden at the start of the season, and have fallen apart past the point of redemption. The Browns looked destitute at the start, but have really shown some promise this season. Truly a tale of two (terrible) towns.

Colts* (7-6) over Jaguars (8-5)

Everything tells me to pick Jacksonville here, but I'm not betting against Indy (no matter how bad they've looked recently) in a knock-out game.

Dolphins* (7-6) over Bills (3-10)

I like the Bills, but the Fish have been playing with some spunk lately. At this point, they can even win at home.

Buccaneers* (8-5) over Lions (3-10)

I love me some Lions! I'm so fucking happy that they killed the Pack last week and knocked out Not-Favre for this week that I'm tempted to pick 'em here out of deference.

Eagles (9-4) over Giants* (9-4)

The winner here (discounting any catastrophe) takes the division. The loser is left to struggle for a wild-card spot. The way Philly has been playing lately, it looks like it's their game to win (or lose).

Chiefs (8-5) over Rams* (6-7)

Who could have guessed when this game was announced in April that it would have playoff consequences for either team. Pretty impressive considering that these two teams won a combined 5 games last year. Despite Cassel's questionable status, I'm picking the Chiefs out of my hatred of the Chargers (and not as any slight to the Rams).

Texans (5-8) over Titans* (5-8)

Right now I'm glad that I have zero affinity toward either of these teams. What an embarrassment these two teams turned out to be this year.

Late Sunday Games:
Falcons (11-2) over Seahawks* (6-7)
The Shawks play tough at home, but the Falcons very well could be the best NFC team right now.

Raiders* (6-7) over Broncos (3-10)

Denver, you broke my heart - You're dead to me. The Raiders only stole my wallet.

Steelers* (10-3) over Jets (9-4)

I'm kinda pulling for the Jets in this one so that they're not crazy-desperate coming into Soldier Field next week.

Sunday Night Game:
Patriots* (11-2) over Packers (8-5)
Bye bye, Packers! Your season ends right here. --flush, swirl, gone--

Monday Night Game:
Bears (9-4) over Vikings** (5-8)
Last week Favre ended his 297 game starting streak, and the Vikings QB of the future, Tarvaris Jackson , lasted not even 297 minutes before landing on the disabled list. Bwwwahahahahaha! I'm not sure if rookie Joe Webb and Patrick Ramsey (the former Skins QB) will make it through this one for Minnesota. The Vikings are dead, long live the Bears!
---

Wrong Picks in pantone #cc0000
Correct Picks in pantone #38761d
*Indicates Home Team
**Indicates game being played in the Triple Rock Social Club parking lot, or equally inauspicious venue

The Liar's NFL Week 14 Picks

It's Friday night, I just spent the last couple of hours getting the remaining picks up, and I can't think of one interesting thing to write about week 14 of this NFL season, so I'm going to make this brief:
It's week 14, the time when teams are made, seasons are lost, and appendices go missing.
Okay, it's not much, but it gives me an excuse to use the (lesser used) plural of appendix, and that's good enough for me.

Last Week's Picks: 11/5
Season Record: 116/76

Thursday Night Game:
Colts (6-6) over Titans (5-7)
Man, the Colts stink on ice this season. Things could be worse - they could be the Titans, who are the sporting equivalent of the smoldering remains of a burnt-out short bus with partially immolated handicapped children hanging dead from every half-opened window.

Early Sunday Games:
Browns (5-7) over Bills* (2-10)
These are my two favorite losers right now (Denver, you're cut). I'd watch this game in it's entirety if the Chicago market had it.

Steelers* (9-3) over Bengals (2-10)

The highlight of the season very well may have been Roethlisberger getting tampons shoved into his bloody nostrils last week. He's one tough motherfucker (sisterfucker, auntfucker, secondcousinfucker, drunkgirlfucker, et aliae).

Jaguars* (7-5) over Raiders (6-6)

I have no idea why I'm picking Jacksonville. Apparently, they've hypno-toaded me with their supernatural boringness.

Redskins* (5-7) over Buccaneers (7-5)

I'm still holding out the slightest of hope that my Skins don't totally suck. The Bucs don't win against teams with winning records, let's see how they do with a team that's within sight of .500.

Packers (8-4) over Lions* (2-10)

It wouldn't surprise me one bit of the Lions won this one at home. They've ALMOST pulled several upsets this year, and seem due to get at least one.

Falcons (10-2) over Panthers* (1-11)

Oh, dear god. Someone put this game out of its misery.

Late Sunday Games:
Patriots (10-2) over Bears* (9-3)
It's not 1985 - Settle down. I'm amazed at how many people are picking the Bears in this one after the Pats dismantling of the Jets last week. I say the Bears have a puncher's chance, but I'm going with my head on the pick. That being said, if the Bears win here (or even make it close) by Monday everyone will have the Bears as their NFC Super Bowl pick.

Saints* (9-3) over Rams (6-6)

I'd like to see the Rams win the NFC West (hey, someone has to), but I think that the Seahawks are going to edge them in the end.

Seahawks (6-6) over 49ers* (4-8)

Speaking of which... Fucking NFC West.

Broncos (3-9) over Cardinals* (3-9)

Why am I picking the 3&9 Broncos the week after they lost their head coach? Because (you guessed it) they're playing an NFC West turd-squad.

Jets* (9-3) over Dolphins (6-6)

The Jets got clowned last week in New England. That shit sticks with you. They need a solid win at home to right the ship.

Chargers* (6-6) over Chiefs (8-4)

FUCK! Matt Cassel's appendix had to go and ruin the AFC West for everyone. I really want the Chiefs to win the division, but I say that if the Chargers win here, then they take it.

Sunday Night Game:
Eagles (8-4) over Cowboys* (4-8)
The Dallas Cowboys are the NFL equivalent of Jason from the Friday the 13th film series: They're long-dead and have a nasty habit of hiding in the background and whacking whoever walks by in the face with a machete. I really want to pick 'em here, but I think the Iggles have the ability to run past this one without tripping.

Monday Night Games:
Ravens (8-4) over Texans* (5-7)
The Ravens have to be crazy-mad after that loss last week. Watch for 'em to go all Hulk up on Reliant Stadium. RAVENS SMASH!!!

Giants (8-4) over Vikings* (5-7)

This game is intriguing. Both teams are on a 2-game winning streak. The Giants are playing for the post-season and the Vikes are playing to get some respect back. A Vikes win here would be huge - I just don't see it.

---

Wrong Picks in pantone #cc0000
Correct Picks in pantone #38761d
*Indicates Home Team

The Liar's NFL Week 13 Picks

It's lucky week 13, and this one's shaping up to be a damned fine week to be a football fan. There are so many good games this week that it should be a blast to watch and hell to pick.
Here's what I've got:

Last Week's Picks: 11/5
Season Record: 105/71

Thursday Night Game:
Eagles* (7-4) over Texans (5-6)
The Bears D showed how to beat the Mike Vick Iggles. I'm just not sure that the Texans are good enough to pull it off. Then again, I didn't think that the Bears were good enough either, and we all know how that one ended.

Early Sunday Games:
Bears (8-3) over Lions* (2-9)
The Lions are playing pretty damned tough right now, but unless Chicago looks past 'em they should be able to secure another win on the road.

Giants* (7-4) over Redskins (5-6)

I give up on the Skins. They win games they should lose and lose games they should win. That means they'll probably win this one to keep up the pattern of fucking me on picks.  Jerks.

Packers* (7-4) over 49ers (4-7)

It's a fucking travesty that these two teams are the same number of games out of first (1) in their (respective) divisions.

Bills (2-9) over Vikings* (4-7)

It looks like I'm the only person picking Buffalo here. I just see how hard Buffalo has been playing and how close they've been to up-ending teams far superior to the Vikes. I say they finally break their tough-luck streak up in Minneapolis.

Saints (8-3) over Bengals* (2-9)

This smacks of a trap-game. Then again, in order for one team to get trapped, the opposing team has to actually play. The Bengals haven't done that since week 3.

Jaguars (6-5) over Titans* (5-6)

Boring beats bloodied, battered, and basically bad.

Chiefs* (7-3) over Broncos (3-8)

Okay, I've given up the hope of the Chargers crapping-out. Now I'm clinging to the hope that the Chiefs can hold on.

Dolphins* (6-5) over Browns (4-7)

Man, I'm really tempted to pick Cleveland in this one. The Dolphins are not a very good team at home, and the Browns have been showing some grit recently. If I knew that Colt McCoy was starting here, I'd pick 'em in an instant.

Late Sunday Games:
Chargers* (6-5) over Raiders (5-6)
I've resigned myself to the fact that the fucking Chargers are back. I'm just hoping that the Raiders can prove me wrong.

Colts* (6-5) over Cowboys (3-7)

If the Cowboys can get a road win in Indy it would be a HUGE statement win. The Colts are hurting, but I'm not ready to leave them for dead just yet.

Falcons (9-2) over Buccaneers* (7-4)

The Bucs don't win games against teams with a winning record - Their seven wins have come against teams that have a (cumulative) record of 19 wins & 47 losses. 7&4 doesn't look so great in that light.

Rams (5-6) over Cardinals* (3-8)

Another fucking NFC West divisional game. Move along, nothing to see here.

Seahawks* (5-6) over Panthers (1-10)

Speaking of the NFC West, The Seahawks find themselves up against the ONLY team in the NFL that is worse than the best team in their division.

Sunday Night Game:
Ravens* (8-3) over Steelers (8-3)
This should be one hell of a game. I have no idea who has the edge here, but the Steelers barely pulled off an overtime win against the 2-win-Bills last week - Which wouldn't have happened if the Bills return squad wasn't tackling each other, or if Buffalo's Steve Johnson could hold onto an end-zone reception... Yeesh. I'm reluctantly going with the Ravens at home

Monday Night Game:
Patriots* (9-2) over Jets (9-2)
The Pats lost to the Jets in NY back in week two. I'd always figured that these teams would split this season, so I'm going with New England at home.
*fingers crossed*
---

Wrong Picks in pantone #cc0000
Correct Picks in pantone #38761d
*Indicates Home Team

The Liar's NFL Week 12 Picks

It's 3PM on a Wednesday and I've got a decent buzz a-goin' from my lunch at Revolution Brewing - Time for some picks. I'm heading out of town this weekend, so I'd better get these up while I have the chance. In fact, it looks like I'm going to miss out on all of the Sunday games this week. Ah, well - Let's see what I'm missing.

Last Week's Picks: 13/3
Season Record: 94/66

Early Thursday Game:
Patriots (8-2) over Lions* (2-8)
Bwaaa, haaah haah haa ha. Holy Shit, that's some funny shit right there.

Late Thursday Game:
Saints (7-3) over Cowboys* (3-7)
The Cowboys are getting some of their swagger back, but a false sense of bravado and Kitna behind center ain't gonna win it against the reigning Super Bowl champs.

Thursday Night Game:
Jets* (8-2) over Bengals (2-8)
The Jets have been won their last 3 games at the very last minute (or in overtime) against some fairly crappy teams. Her's another turd-squad to take it down to the wire with.

Early Sunday Games:
Falcons* (8-2) over Packers (7-3)
Matty Ice is 18-1 at home in the Georgia Dome since his debut with the Dirty Birds. They haven't lost at home in over 2 years. I'm not saying that the streak isn't gonna end, I'm just saying that it isn't gonna end this week.

Steelers (7-3) over Bills* (2-8)

The Bills have won 2 in a row. They ain't gonna make it to 3.

Browns* (3-7) over Panthers (1-9)

Look at the two rookie QBs from these teams and tell me that Jimmy Clausen should have gone before Colt McCoy in the draft. Regardless, they're both out with injuries for this one. Jake Delhomme takes on his old team (who he took to the Super Bowl) with Brian St. Pierre (who???) starting for the Panthers.

Giants* (6-4) over Jaguars (6-4)

Boring, Boring, Boring, Boring, Boring, Boring.
*click*

Redskins* (5-5) over Vikings (3-7)

I'm getting some faith back in my Redskins. Let's hope that it takes a couple of weeks for the Vikes to rediscover theirs.

Texans* (4-6) over Titans (5-5)

If there was a bigger collapse story than the Texans this year, it would go to the Titans. Kerry Collins is out, Vince Young may never play for the Titans again, and this week Rusty "Tromboner" Smith makes his NFL debut. If the Texans can't win here, they can't win anywhere.

Late Sunday Games:
Raiders* (5-5) over Dolphins (5-5)
Should be interesting. The Raiders don't lose at home and the Dolphins don't lose on the road.

Chiefs (6-4) over Seahawks* (5-5)

If Kansas City wants to hold on in their division, they had better keep winning these close matches. The Seahawks can lose this game and still have the lead in the NFC West (fucking NFC West).

Eagles (7-3) over Bears* (7-3)

I have a bad, bad, bad feeling about this one. Prove me wrong, Bears.

Broncos* (3-7) over Rams (4-6)

When in doubt, bet against the NFC West team.

Ravens* (7-3) over Buccaneers (7-3)

The Buccaneers have a great record, but every win has come against a sub-.5oo team. Here's their test - I say they fail-out.

Sunday Night Game:
Colts* (6-4) over Chargers (5-5)
The Colts are struggling right now, and the Bolts always seem to have their number, but Indy HAS to win here. A Colts loss at home at this time in the season would be devastating.

Monday Night Game:
49ers (3-7) over Cardinals* (3-7)
Fuck me. Lemme get this straight: I'm going to miss Falcons/Packers, Skins/Vikes, and Bears/Eagles, but I get to watch Pats/Lions, Jets/Bengals and this abortion. It just isn't fair.
---

Wrong Picks in pantone #cc0000
Correct Picks in pantone #38761d
*Indicates Home Team

The Liar's NFL Week 11 Picks

It's week 11 and the Bears are at 6&3. No, really. They have a killer stretch coming up, but at this point a playoff spot is theirs to lose. If they can go 3&4 for the remainder, they have a damned good shot. Huh.
At this rate, look for extended contracts for Lovie and Angelo. Fuck me.

Last Week's Picks: 6/8
Season Record: 81/63

Thursday Night Game:
Bears (6-3) over Dolphins (5-4)
There is an axiom which states; "It's better to be lucky than to be good". That has never been more apt than to describe the Bears going into this game. Last week the Fish lost both their starting AND back-up quarterbacks. The Bears get to saunter into the Sunshine State knowing that they'll be going up against third-stringer Tyler Thigpen who has only had a few days to acclimate to the role of starter. Lucky motherfuckers.

Early Sunday Games:
Bengals* (2-7) over Bills (1-8)
If the Williams hadn't won last week, I'd pick 'em here in a heartbeat. Right now the Bengals need a win even more. I'll give it to 'em on their home turf.

Cowboys* (2-7) over Lions (2-7)

Detroit is just as good as Dallas is bad - This one could go either way. The Boys seem to have new life with the coaching switch - If they want to keep it up, they best get a win in the Jerry-Dome.

Titans* (5-4) over Redskins (4-5)

I wonder who cares less about the game of football, Albert Haynesworth or Vince Young? I say scratch the game and let those two slugs settle this one with a Chocodile eating contest.

Chiefs* (5-4) over Cardinals (3-6)

Kansas City was in a pretty nice position before dumping two games in a row against division rivals. If they want to keep up their Cinderella season they better not turn into a pumpkin halfway through the season.

Packers (6-3) over Vikings* (3-6)

A Vikings win would be damn sweet here. Picking Pack, pulling for the Vikes.

Jets* (7-2) over Texans (4-5)

The Jets have spent the last two weeks in overtime with the Lions and the Browns - They won both. At this rate, look for a tie with the (slightly) better Texans.

Steelers* (6-3) over Raiders (5-4)

The Steelers got crushed last week by the Pats (as the Pats did the week before by the Browns). I see a similar bounce-back game for the Steelers. It isn't going to be easy though. The Raiders are coming off of a bye-week and had been playing extremely well before their break.

Ravens (6-3) over Panthers* (1-8)

This game should be the lock-of-the-week. Then again, these 'gimme' games always have a way of going sideways.

Browns (3-6) over Jaguars* (5-4)

I FUCKING HATE the Jags. Not for any good reason, but just because they're so damned boring. It's like the mediocrity of the city of Jacksonville has permeated through the entire franchise. Why can't we just ship 'em express to LA and end this experiment in commonness?

Late Sunday Games:
Falcons (7-2) over Rams* (4-5)
The Rams look pretty good right now. The Falcons look great.

Saints* (7-2) over Seahawks (5-4)

Am I the only one who thinks that Pete Carroll threw Reggie Bush under the bus with the whole USC Heisman debacle? Here's his chance to get (a very small bit of) payback.

Buccaneers (6-3) over 49ers* (3-6)

I'm still not sure what to make of the Bucs this year. They're winning against bad teams and losing against good teams. They have a great record, but it is the least impressive winning record in the NFL so far.

Patriots* (7-2) over Colts (6-3)

This has been the marquee match-up of the season over the past few years, but this time around it seems played-out. It should be a good game, but (to me) it isn't even the most interesting game of the day.

Sunday Night Game:
Eagles* (6-3) over Giants (6-3)
I have a feeling that the NFC East championship is going to go down to the wire between these two teams. The Giants have an easier remainder of the season, so the Eagles NEED this win at home.

Monday Night Game:
Chargers* (4-5) over Broncos (3-6)
More than any other game this week, I really wish that the Broncos can win this one. I'm fucking sick of the Chargers making late-season runs in the anemic AFC West.
---

Wrong Picks in pantone #cc0000
Correct Picks in pantone #38761d
*Indicates Home Team

The Liar's NFL Week 10 Picks

This week kicks off Thursday night football, so look for look for my picks a day or two early from here on out, or (as was the case this week) my Thursday pick on Wednesday and the rest of my picks whenever I feel like gettin' around to 'em.
Make a note of it.

Last Week's Picks: 8/5
Season Record: 75/55

Thursday Night Game:
Ravens (6-2) over Falcons* (6-2)
Damn, this is a great game to kick off the Thursday night run. I'm sold on the Ravens, but the Falcons should put up a good fight on home turf.

Early Sunday Games:
Vikings (3-5) over Bears* (5-3)
The Vikes are a hot mess right now, and have been pulling out wins from thin air. I'd like to pick my Bears at home, but Minnesota really needs this win, and the Bears don't seem to have focus right now.

Bills* (0-8) over Lions (2-6)

The Lions are playing really tough right now and have been holding their own against some tough teams, but this is the Bills easiest chance at a win for the rest of the season. If the Bills don't get a win this week or next, they might not get one the rest of the year - They know this.

Jets (6-2) over Browns* (3-5)

Don't let the records fool you, this should be a good game. The Browns are hitting their stride (just ask New England), and the Jets barely held it together against the Lions last week. Plus, both teams know the others tricks due to the Ryan twins on opposing sidelines. I'm looking forward to this one.

Colts* (5-3) over Bengals (2-6)

The Colts rarely lose two games in a row, and the Bengals haven't won shit since week 3.

Titans (5-3) over Dolphins* (4-4)

How excited is everyone about the NFL return of Chad Pennington for Miami and the Titans debut of Randy Moss?
*crickets chirp*
Thought so.

Buccaneers* (5-3) over Panthers (1-7)

God, do the Panthers suck. They should just replace their offensive line with two orange cones and a length of caution tape.

Texans (4-4) over Jaguars* (4-4)

The Texicans came out red-hot out of the gate this year, but in recent weeks have gone ice-cold. The Jags are the portrait of mediocrity - The question is what side of that line do the Texans fall on.

Late Sunday Games:
Chiefs (5-3) over Broncos* (2-6)
I really want to like the Broncos, they just make it impossible. Kansas City should rack up season-record rushing stats over Denver in this one.

Giants* (6-2) over Cowboys (1-7)

Wade's out, Garrett's in... Wade, Garrett... Why's that sound familiar? Ah, Dude from Roadhouse.

Cardinals* (3-5) over Seahawks (4-4)

I've been over-estimating the Seahawks this season, plus they're racked with injuries. I'll take the Red Birds at home.

Rams (4-4) over 49ers* (2-6)

Look above at the records of the Cards/Shawks and the records of the Rams/Niners. The NFC West is wide-fucking-open.

Sunday Night Game:
Patriots (6-2) over Steelers* (6-2)
The easy pick would be to go with the Steelers at home here. The Pats got clowned last week against the lowly Browns - Whenever something like that happens, the next game the Hoodie comes out with guns blazing. Should be interesting.

Monday Night Game:
Eagles (5-3) over Redskins* (4-4)
Man, I really would like to pick my Skins here. They won in Philly earlier this year and are coming off of a bye-week, but I think that the Grossman stunt (that cost 'em their last game against the Lions) shot their season right between the eyes.
---

Wrong Picks in pantone #cc0000
Correct Picks in pantone #38761d
*Indicates Home Team

The Liar's NFL Week 9 Picks

Well, last week was my first losing record of the season, and in the spirit of the election season, I've decided to blame my losing on Washington DC (the Redskins to be exact).
I'm still seething about Sexy Rexy and his 2 minute suck-harder-than-the-collective-force-of-a-million-black-holes drill last week (Much to Mr. ChrisB's delight).
Fucking Shanahan. If it weren't for him flushing Jake Plummer for Uber-Douche Cutler, he'd still be missing the playoffs out in Denver... OH, AND TO MENTION FUCKING CUTLER...
AAAARRRGGGGH!
*narrator shits pants, head explodes*

Last Week's Picks: 6/7
Season Record: 67/50

Early Sunday Games:
Bears (4-3) over Bills* (0-7)
I really think that the Bills are going to win this one in Toronto.
Why am I picking Bears? 1) I'm a Bears fan. 2) The Bears have no excuse to lose this one coming off of a bye-week. 3) If the Bears don't win here, they can kiss their post-season hopes goodbye. 4) The Bills still haven't won a damned game yet.
Yeah, The Bears are doomed.

Falcons* (5-2) over Buccaneers (5-2)

Whenever I'm faced with two evenly matched teams, and there's really no good intel to sway my decision, I just pick the home team.

Patriots (6-1) over Browns* (2-5)

Every year it seems that the Patriots overlook & lose a stupid game like this. Then again, the Browns have been losing games since 1946 - I'm going with the pros to lose this one.
Postgame: Told you so.

Jets (5-2) over Lions* (2-5)

If the Jets don't score more points than they did last week against the Pack, the Lions will win this one (or tie it at 0-0).

Vikings* (2-5) over Cardinals (3-4)

Okay, Anderson is starting for the Cardinals. Last week (to my horror) I switched over to the Cardinals-Bucs game and saw Max Hall (incidentally, a setting on my stereo receiver) starting for the Cards (who I stupidly picked)... Anyway, I still say that the imploding Vikes make a last grasp at the ring here.

Saints (5-3) over Panthers* (1-6)

I don't have anything to say about this game, so here's a record review: While typing out this I'm listening to the new Arrivals record (Volatile Molotov) and I'm really digging it. Their debut (Goodbye New World) was an incredible record, but their last few have come nowhere close to that one. Upon first listen, the new one might actually be good. That makes me very happy.
*edit* I just realized that new Arrivals lapsed into the new Articles of Faith EP (which was actually playing when I wrote this) - I didn't notice (yay, booze!), so I'm giving the AoF EP some props here too.

Ravens* (5-2) over Dolphins (4-3)

This should be a damned great game. The AFC wild-card slot could very well come down to this game (as a head-to-head tie-breaker).

Texans* (4-3) over Chargers (3-5)

I know that the Chargers always start off horrible and start running the table around this time of year. I really wish they'd stop doing that and just go away.

Late Sunday Games:
Seahawks* (4-3) over Giants (5-2)
I'm sure at this point in reading through this post, you're thinking that I just got liquored-up on Templeton Rye and drunkenly crapped out my picks this week. This pick right here cements that suspicion.

Chiefs* (5-2) over Raiders (4-4)

The Raiders have been red-hot the last few weeks. Yeah, so what, I'm keeping up my (Favre-like) streak of not picking Oakland. Suck on that, bitches.

Colts (5-2) over Eagles* (4-3)

Eagles are coming off of their bye here, and should be sharp. Still, I say the Colts win this one in a squeaker.

Sunday Night Game:
Packers* (5-3) over Cowboys (1-6)
Last week I had my first incorrect Packers pick of the season and my first correct Cowboys pick of the season. Then again, last week was high-fucked.

Monday Night Game:
Steelers (5-2) over Bengals* (2-5)
I'm surprised that the Bengals let the Titans get Randy Moss, as they seem to be collecting ill-tempered loud-mouthed shit-worthless wide-receivers.
---

Wrong Picks in pantone #cc0000
Correct Picks in pantone #38761d
*Indicates Home Team

The Liar's NFL Week 8 Picks

It's Halloween season leading into a mid-term election and the scariest thing I've heard all week? The following quote by Lovie Smith:
''They don't give out championships in October, all right? You start getting yourself in position to make a run in November, in December. We have ourselves in position to make a run."
Are you fucking kidding me? Here's the rest of the schedule: @ Bills, Vikings, @ Dolphins, Eagles, @ Lions, Patriots, @ Vikings, Jets, @ Packers. We'll be lucky to get through at .500, and that's if the O-Line doesn't get Cutler killed.
I'm just glad the Bears have the week off so they won't ruin my holiday weekend.

Last Week's Picks: 9/5
Season Record: 61/43


Early Sunday Games:

Dolphins (3-3) over Bengals* (2-4)

The Fish don't lose on the road (and don't win at home). Make a note of it.

Jaguars (3-4) over Cowboys* (1-5)

Fucking Cowboys... Still haven't picked ONE single 'Boys game right this season. The problem seems to be that I keep picking 'em to win.

Redskins (4-3) over Lions* (1-5)

Matt Stafford makes his return for Detroit this week. Somewhereearly in the 3rd he'll go out for another 7 weeks.
Postgame: FUCKING GROSSMAN!  That twat went from fumbling away games for my Bears to fumbling away games for my Redskins.

Chiefs* (4-2) over Bills (0-6)

The Bills are eventually going to get a win somewhere this year. It isn't going to be in Kansas City, and I hope like hell it isn't going to be up in Toronto next week.
Postgame: This very well might have been the game of the season.  The Bears can't sleep on the Bills next week.

Rams* (3-4) over Panthers (1-5)

The Panthers Beat the mighty Niners last week, let's see what they do up against a team with triple the wins this week.

Jets* (5-1) over Packers (4-3)

The only true hope that Chicago has this season lies with the ineptitude of the Pack and the imploding Vikes. Victory through attrition.

Broncos (2-5) over 49ers (1-6)

This game is being played in London on Halloween, so I give you this:
They called us walking corpses - Unholy living dead
They had to lock us up - Put us in their British Hell
I don't wanna be here in your London Dungeon
I don't wanna be here in your British Hell
Yeah, that sounds about right.

Late Sunday Games:
Titans (5-2) over Chargers* (2-5)
Every-fucking-body is picking the Chargers to win here. WHY?!?!
Postgame:  That's why.

Seahawks (4-2) over Raiders* (3-4)

I'm really tempted to pick the Raiders at home, but I think that Carrol's Shawks have a slight edge in this one.

Patriots* (5-1) over Vikings (2-4)

The only real question here is whether Favre will get his 192nd consecutive start in this one. If not, it's the end for him in the NFL.

Cardinals* (3-3) over Buccaneers (4-2)

The Buccaneers are doing real well this season, but the teams they've beaten up to this point are a cumulative 8&18. I'm not buying into 'em quite yet.

Sunday Night Game:
Steelers (5-1) over Saints* (4-3)
Rooting Saints - Picking Steelers.

Monday Night Game:
Colts* (4-2) over Texans (4-2)
The Texans got their second win ever over the Colts in the opener this year. Another win here would be HUGE, but I'm not betting on lightning striking twice in the same season.
---

Wrong Picks in pantone #cc0000
Correct Picks in pantone #38761d
*Indicates Home Team

The Liar's NFL Week 7 Picks

In lieu of an opening paragraph this week, here's a humorous photograph:

Last Week's Picks: 8/6
Season Record: 52/38

Early Sunday Games:
Redskins (3-3) over Bears* (4-2)
Last week the Skins were two fingertips away from beating the mighty Colts. Last week the sucktacular Seahawks had both fists planted up the Bears' (collective) ass. This doesn't look good for Chicago.

Falcons* (4-2) over Bengals (2-3)

The Falcons don't lose at home, and the Bengals don't win ever.

Titans* (4-2) over Eagles (4-2)

I'll admit it, the Iggles are a lot better than I thought they would be. That said, the Titans are a damned tough team to beat.

Chiefs* (3-2) over Jaguars (3-3)

The Chiefs are dominant at home this season. Never thought I'd be writing that preceding sentence.

Steelers (4-1) over Dolphins* (3-2)

I'm tempted to pick the Fish here, but I'm not going to pick against the Steelers until they give me a reason to do so.

Saints* (4-2) over Browns (1-5)

I have nothing to say here. Should be a blow-out.

Rams (3-3) over Buccaneers* (3-2)

If it weren't for the Chiefs, the Rams would be the biggest shock of the season. It wouldn't surprise me one bit if they were a playoff team in the next couple of seasons.

49ers (1-5) over Panthers* (0-5)

The reason that the Rams might be a playoff team is that (as it turns out) the Niners suck it raw. The Panthers are even worse.

Ravens* (4-2) over Bills (0-5)

Yeesh. The Williams just can't catch a break - They also can't catch a ball.

Late Sunday Games:
Seahawks* (3-2) over Cardinals (3-2)
Fuck the NFC West. Whoever wins this game takes the lead in the division. At this point, the Rams and (to a lesser extent) the Niners are still in the hunt. Pathetic.

Broncos* (2-4) over Raiders (2-4)

The AFC West is almost as bad. I still like the Broncos, although I'm not quite sure why.

Patriots (4-1) over Chargers* (2-4)

If the Chargers can get a win here, they'll be right back in the mix in the aforementioned AFC West. Ain't gonna happen - The Chargers boat has sailed.

Sunday Night Game:
Packers* (3-3) over Vikings (2-3)
No matter what happens here, the Bears will still have the lead in the NFC North at week's end (due to the week 3 victory over the Pack). Let's enjoy that while it lasts.

Monday Night Game:
Cowboys* (1-4) over Giants (2-4)
Dallas needs a win here. Yeah, I say it every week, but that doesn't mean it isn't true every week. A win here could act as a catalyst for a winning season in Dallas.
--

Wrong Picks in pantone #cc0000
Correct Picks in pantone #38761d
*Indicates Home Team

The Liar's NFL Week 6 Picks

Every Riot Fest weekend my picks go to shit. Hell, I should consider myself lucky that this year I just went .500 - It's been worse. Now that my week-long bender is over, I can focus on football and chasing away this hangover.

Last Week's Picks: 7/7
Season Record: 44/32

Early Sunday Games:
Bears* (4-1) over Seahawks (2-2)
We get Cutler back this week. I can't wait until we get back an O-Line of some sort.

Dolphins (2-2) over Packers* (3-2)

I still haven't incorrectly picked a Packers game this season. Here's to keeping that streak going!

Chargers (2-3) over Rams* (2-3)

I keep getting screwed picking the stupid fucking Chargers. ...and here I go again.

Ravens (4-1) over Patriots* (3-1)

I say that the Ravens are the best team in the league right now. Here's that test.

Giants* (3-2) over Lions (1-4)

The Giants really looked bad up to that Bears game. Now they have new life - Not happy about that.

Falcons (4-1) over Eagles* (3-2)

The Eagles are good enough to beat the Lions, Jaguars, and 49ers. The Falcons have just as many wins as those 3 teams combined (and 10 less losses).

Steelers* (3-1) over Browns (1-4)

I have a seeking suspicion that the Steelers aren't going to be as good with Roethlisberger for the first few games he's back. Q: What's worse than a rusty rapist? A: Fresh meat - Colt McCoy is making his NFL debut for the Browns in this one.

Saints (3-2) over Buccaneers* (3-1)

The Saints really need a divisional road-win here to right their sinking ship. If not, I think that's it's gonna get ugly in flood-town.

Texans* (3-2) over Chiefs (3-1)

I really want to pick the Chiefs here, but the only team they've beaten on the road so far has been the Browns. I'd pick 'em in a heartbeat at home, but am going with the home team in this toss-up.

Late Sunday Games:
Jets (4-1) over Broncos* (2-3)
This one could be a lot closer than you'd think. This should be an entertaining game.

Raiders (2-3) over 49ers* (0-5)

Originally had the Niners winning here, but switched it at the last minute when I realized that I keep getting burned picking Samurai Mike's clown-squad.

Cowboys (1-3) over Vikings* (1-3)

I'm seriously wondering which one of these teams will be the first to claim 'Disappointed' by The Mushuganas as this year's team theme song. That would so rule.

Sunday Night Game:
Colts (3-2) over Redskins* (3-2)
I really want to pick the Redskins at home here against the wobbly Colts. I'm just worried that the Colts will blow up on my Skins here, and I'll feel like a double-plus idiot.

Monday Night Game:
Titans (3-2) over Jaguars* (3-2)
The Jags are 3&2?!?! Really?! I'll be damned.
---

Wrong Picks in pantone #cc0000
Correct Picks in pantone #38761d
*Indicates Home Team

The Liar's NFL Week 5 Picks

It's that time of the year again. The time when I forget all about the NFL and get my music geek up and runnin' for Riot Fest. I've sobered up just enough from last night's Naked Raygun show to whip out some picks before tonight's Bhopal Stiffs show.

Last Week's Picks: 8/6
Season Record: 37/25

Early Sunday Games:
Bears (3-1) over Panthers* (0-4)
Man, last Monday's Bears game was the ugliest football game I've ever seen. They need redemption, and are going to have to get it with Todd Collins at QB. Here's hoping.

Redskins* (2-2) over Packers (3-1)

Yeah, I'm playing favorites here. I believe the 'Skins are better than people think, and the Pack are worse than people think. Then again, I'm biased.

Jaguars (2-2) over Bills* (0-4)

**stares blankly, moves on**

Bengals* (2-2) over Buccaneers (2-1)

The Bengals really need to start winning if they're going to live up to their preseason hype.

Falcons* (3-1) over Browns (1-3)

Heck of a job, Brownies on your win last week. Now you can go back to sleep.

Rams (2-2) over Lions* (0-4)

The Lions are the sexy upset pick this week. They're looking better, but the Rams might actually be good with Bradford at QB.

Colts* (2-2) over Chiefs (3-0)

I really want to pick the Chiefs here, but 'Chiefs over Colts' just doesn't look right.

Ravens* (3-1) over Broncos (2-2)

A Broncos win would be HUGE here, but I say the Ravens are the best team in the NFL right now,

Texans* (3-1) over Giants (2-2)

Last time I checked, the Texans had an offensive line (unlike other teams best left unmentioned after last week)- They should do fine against the Giants.

Late Sunday Games:
Saints (3-1) over Cardinals* (2-2)
The Saints have had their ups and downs this year. The Cards just have just had downs.

Cowboys* (1-2) over Titans (2-2)

Wow, here's a dumb pick. I just think that the Boys need to win this one off of their bye week.

Chargers* (2-2) over Raiders (1-3)

This match-up is about as exciting as a cup of flour. Next!

Sunday Night Game:
49ers* (0-4) over Eagles (2-2)
Okay, now we're talking! If Samurai Mike loses five in a row, watch for his head to explode all Scanners style over on the sideline. Now THAT'S entertainment.

Monday Night Game:
Jets* (3-1) over Vikings (1-2)
Randy Moss makes his (less than) triumphant return to the Vikings. Unfortunately for him, said return happens in the Meadowlands against the red-hot Jets.
---

Wrong Picks in pantone #cc0000
Correct Picks in pantone #38761d
*Indicates Home Team

The Liar's NFL Week 4 Picks

It's week four of the 2010 NFL season and the undefeated teams are the (Roethlisberger-less) Steelers, The Kansas City Chiefs, and the Bears... Really? Are you sure? That's some wacky shit right there.
Anyhow, I'm kinda in a rush and am pushing this out at the last minute, so enough with the chit-chat, let's half-ass our way through some picks.

Last Week's Picks: 11/5
Season Record: 29/19

Early Sunday Games:
Falcons* (2-1) over 49ers (0-3)
The Niners just can't get a break, and things really don't bode well for teams who jettison their Offensive Coordinators early in the season. It looks to be a bleak season out in the Bay.

Jets* (2-1) over Bills (0-3)

I have very little to say here. The Jets look good, the Williams don't. Period.

Bengals (2-1) over Browns* (0-3)

The Browns really aren't as bad as their record suggests. This could be a trap-game for Cincy.

Packers* (2-1) over Lions (0-3)

Go Detroit!

Titans* (2-1) over Broncos (1-2)

Denver is running up crazy numbers on offense, and still losing games. This could go either way, but I'm sticking with the winning team.

Seahawks (2-1) over Rams* (1-2)

Saint Louis sprung their trap-game last week on the fucking Redskins. The Seahawks should be fine.

Saints* (2-1) over Panthers (0-3)

The Saints are one blown chip-shot field-goal away from being undefeated. Ouch.

Ravens (2-1) over Steelers* (3-0)

The Ravens are a damned good team, and I just can't believe that the Steelers are going to go 4&0 without Mr. Grabby-Feely.

Late Sunday Games:
Texans (2-1) over Raiders* (1-2)
The Raiders lost a heart-breaker last week on a bad kick. Unfortunately for them, it doesn't get any easier this week.

Colts (2-1) over Jaguars* (1-2)

The Jags stink on ice. The Colts may as well have a bye-week here.

Redskins (1-2) over Eagles* (2-1)

This is the day that McNabb has waited for since the day he was discarded by the Iggles. He wants nothing more than to march into the Link and clown his old team in their house. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt, because if it goes the other way it's just gonna be sad.

Chargers* (1-2) over Cardinals (2-1)

September is over. Time for the Chargers to start winning games.

Sunday Night Game:
Bears (3-0) over Giants* (1-2)
The Giants are a wreck right now. Unless the Bears self-destruct, they should score a nice road win.
Postgame: BOOOOOM! They self-destructed real good.

Monday Night Game:
Dolphins* (2-1) over Patriots (2-1)
Flip a coin. The Fish always seem to find a way to beat the Pats once a year, so I'm going with them at home.
---

Wrong Picks in pantone #cc0000
Correct Picks in pantone #38761d
*Indicates Home Team

The Liar's NFL Week 3 Picks

Man, I've been sick-as-hell all week. The upside? I've been stuck to the couch and have been watching a lot of last week's games (in their entirety) on on-demand. Okay, maybe that really isn't an upside, per se, but hopefully I figured out some teams in my fevered delirium. I even took notes; lemme see... It says right here that the Browns are going all the way this year.... Oh, shit. Nevermind.

Last Week's Picks: 10/6
Season Record: 18/14

Early Sunday Games:

Chiefs* (2-0) over 49ers (0-2)

Fuck this, I'm not picking the win-less Niners in a road game against an undefeated team no matter how badly I want to.

Vikings* (0-2) over Lions (0-2)

I sorta feel bad for the Lions, they lost two really close games at the last minute. Make it three after this week.

Patriots* (1-1) over Bills (0-2)

The Bills have a secret weapon that they're unveiling against the Pats this week. That secret weapon is... Ryan Fitzpatrick?!?! What a bunch of Chan Gaywads.

Saints* (2-0) over Falcons (1-1)

The Saints are looking really shaky right now and they're missing the former Mr. Heisman at RB, I'm still not betting against 'em.

Titans (1-1) over Giants* (1-1)

It's a toss-up on which of these teams is more dysfunctional at the moment. I say it's NY.

Steelers (2-0) over Buccaneers* (2-0)

I'm done picking against the Steelers after getting burned two weeks in a row. I'm not quite done picking against the Bucs after getting burned two weeks in a row.

Bengals (1-1) over Panthers* (0-2)

**in olde-tyme announcer voice**
Here comes the young Jimmy Pickles to propel the poor pathetic Panthers to platitudes of plaudits... possibly. I possess a premonition that his putrescence play will pause purely for punting. I'm positively picking against the Panthers in this roughshod pussy-fight.

Ravens* (1-1) over Browns (0-2)

My brain hurts after that last one - Luckily, this one is an easy pick. Despite my aforementioned fevered scribblings, the Browns are (in fact) not good.

Texans* (2-0) over Cowboys (0-2)

Week 1: I picked the Cowboys to beat my Redskins - They lost. Week 2: I picked the Cowboys to beat my Bears - They lost. I fucking LOVE this team. As a reward, I'm going to pick against 'em this week so they can go ahead and get a win.

Late Sunday Games:

Redskins (1-1) over Rams* (0-2)

Aaaaargh! The Skins are one sneaky overtime time-out away from being undefeated. Man, that's still killing me. This week they get a conciliatory trip to the 'Gateway to the West' to play with the Sheep.

Jaguars* (1-1) over Eagles (1-1)

Ooooh, Mike Vick (barely) beat the Lions last week - He's so good. Kevin Kolb is lucky he got benched. The Beagles' O-Line is one of the worst in the league, and whoever Philly has behind center is going to be running for their lives all afternoon.

Colts (1-1) over Broncos* (1-1)

I really want to like the Broncos... they just make it so damned hard.

Cardinals* (1-1) over Raiders (1-1)

I was ecstatic when the Redskins got McNabb and traded starting QB, Jason Campbell, to Oakland. He made it two whole games. Gradkowski starts for the Raiders in this one.

Chargers (1-1) over Seahawks* (1-1)

I can't figure out why I'm picking the Chargers here. San Diego always starts off slow, their team is on the verge of revolt, and Seattle dominated in their home opener. I think I'm just playing it "safe" and going with the favorite because my next two picks are really out on a limb.

Sunday Night Game:

Jets (1-1) over Dolphins* (2-0)

I should pick the Fish in their (humid) home opener, but I'm still damned impressed with the Jets win over the Pats last week. NY has the swagger going into this one, and I'm a sucker for swagger.

Monday Night Game:

Bears* (2-0) over Packers (2-0)

Okay, fuckers... I'm picking you here, don't bitch me on this one. I figured that the Bears would split with the Pack this year and if they can get a win here they will be in a very good position for their upcoming East-Coast 2 game road-trip. They lose here, and the Bears are who we thought they were, and we prematurely crowned their ass.
---

Wrong Picks in pantone #cc0000
Correct Picks in pantone #38761d
*Indicates Home Team

The Liar's NFL Week 2 Picks

Yeah, I knew it from the get-go. In the first week if i had just picked home teams, I would have gone 12&4 = Good. Instead, I got fancy and went 8&8 = Not so good.
This week I'm getting back to basics and should begin to dig myself out of the hole.

Last Week's Picks: 8/8
Season Record: 8/8

Early Sunday Games:

Falcons* (0-1) over Cardinals (1-0)

The Cardinals barely pulled off a victory against the Rams last week. I say the Falcons win in Atlanta

Ravens (1-0) over Bengals* (0-1)

The Ravens are playing mad right out of the gate.  Cincy is probably the more talented team, but I'm not picking against the Ravens after last week.

Chiefs (1-0) over Browns* (0-1)

Okay, The Browns LOST to the crappy Bucs last week and the Chiefs WON over the playoff Chargers last week.  So why is everybody picking Cleveland to win this one?

Cowboys* (0-1) over Bears (1-0)

The Bears got the most embarrassing win  in NFL history last week.  The Cowboys had an embarrassing loss, but I say that the Chicago win was even more demoralizing.

Eagles (0-1) over Lions* (0-1)

Kevin Kolb is already out at QB in Philly, and the Michael Vick  Experience comes to the Motor City.  The only reason I'm picking the Eagles is that they're playing the Stafford-less Lions.

Packers* (1-0) over Bills (0-1)

I love me some Buffalo Williams, but they look BAD this year (and not in a Michael Jackson way, unless we're talking in a "dead-as-Michael-Jackson" way).

Titans* (1-0) over Steelers (1-0)

The Steelers pulled off a win last week.  Good for them, didn't see that coming.  The Titans exploded last week (in a good way).  I don't see Pittsburgh getting lucky two weeks in a row.

Vikings* (0-1) over Dolphins (1-0)

This is the toss-up game of the week.  I want to pick Miami, but am going with the Vikes at home.

Panthers* (0-1) over Buccaneers (1-0)

After week 1, I'm tempted to pick the Bucs here, but the Panthers own 'em on home turf.

Late Sunday Games:

Broncos* (0-1) over Seahawks (1-0)

Why do I keep picking the fucking Broncos?  Somebody help me.

Raiders* (0-1) over Rams (0-1)

If the Raiders don't get a win at home this week against the Rams I doubt that Tom Cable will be coaching this team by the end of the season.

Patriots (1-0) over Jets* (0-1)

The Jets should do well this season despite being 0&2 at the end of this week.

Chargers* (0-1) over Jaguars (1-0)

The Bolts got clowned last week in Kansas City.  I know that they always start off slow and finish strong, but they really need a win at home this week to keep the roof from blowing off.

Texans (1-0) over Redskins* (1-0)

I really want to pick my Skins here, but the Texans beat down the Colts last week, so I'm picking with my head over my heart on this one.  Regardless, this is my game of the week - Hands down.

Sunday Night Game:

Colts* (0-1) over Giants (1-0)

Somehow, I really don't give a half-a-shit about this one.  Does Dexter start this week or next?  Anyone?

Monday Night Game:

Saints (1-0) over 49ers* (0-1)

It's not even week 2 yet, and the Niners are already making me look like a double-plus retard for stating that they'd win the NFC West this year.
---

Wrong Picks in pantone #cc0000
Correct Picks in pantone #38761d
*Indicates Home Team

The Liar's NFL Week 1 Picks (2010 Edition)

Here we go into my 4th season of picking games. Damn, I've lasted longer than the #1 pick in the draft that year (JaMarcus Russell) - Go me!
Anyway, it's week one and no-fucking-body knows what's gonna happen. There are maybe 3 "gimme" picks this week. I'm stabbing blindly on this one and picking heavily against the home teams, which means that I'll probably spend the rest of the season trying to catch back up. Welcome to the season, asshole.

2009/2010 Season Record: 171/98
2010/2011 Season Record: 0/0

Thursday Night Game:

Saints* (0-0) over Vikings (0-0)

Here's one hell of a game to kick off the season. I'm betting that the Vikes aren't 'together' enough at this point to top the Super Bowl champs.

Early Sunday Games:

Browns (0-0) over Buccaneers* (0-0)

The Browns aren't looking so great this year, but they still look good enough to beat what I'm guessing is going to be the worst team this season.

Dolphins (0-0) over Bills* (0-0)

Chan Gailey... I'll get right on that as soon as I figure out how to 'chan'.

Patriots* (0-0) over Bengals (0-0)

The Bengals are looking sharp right now and the Pats are shaking apart at the seams. I'm still going with the home team in the opener.

Colts (0-0) over Texans* (0-0)

The Colts own the Texans every single season. Super Bowl hangover or not, bet the Colts.

Broncos (0-0) over Jaguars* (0-0)

I'm picking the Broncos here? Really?!? Fuck me.

Falcons (0-0) over Steelers* (0-0)

Rapistberger is barred from any contact with the Steelers (and any unattended minors) for the first 4 games this season, Byron Chipwich and his busted trotter are going to be watching this one from the DL, so Dennis Dixon is getting his second start for the Steelers. I'm going with Atlanta.

Titans* (0-0) over Raiders (0-0)

I'm digging on the Raiders this year, and originally had them winning this one... Then I thought about it for a bit, and flipped like a prepubescent Chinese gymnast.

Giants* (0-0) over Panthers (0-0)

The G-Men get a gift for the first game in their shiny new stadium.

Bears* (0-0) over Lions (0-0)

ACHTUNG! Hey Bears, watch out for Ndamukong Suh! This guy has been clowning QBs in the preseason. If our shitty O-Line doesn't hold up their end, we may be trudging through this season with Cutler on the DL.

Late Sunday Games:

Cardinals (0-0) over Rams* (0-0)

The new and not-so-improved Cards hit the turf against the bottom-dwelling Rams. This won't be good, but it should be interesting.

Packers (0-0) over Eagles* (0-0)

I still say that the Pack is WAY over-rated, but I think that Philly is in for a shock without McNabb behind center.

49ers (0-0) over Seahawks* (0-0)

I like the Niners to take the NFC West this year (yeah, I know that I say that every year, but this time I'm so damn sure).

Sunday Night Game:

Cowboys (0-0) over Redskins* (0-0)

The Cowboys were struggling in preseason and my Skins are looking sharp this year, but preseason is preseason, and the Skins still have to gel before I pick them against a playoff team. Picking Boys, rooting Skins.

Monday Night Games:

Jets* (0-0) over Ravens (0-0)

I bet Rex is wishing that he got a gift-team in his new stadium opener (like the Giants did). Not so much. This is going to be one hell of a battle.

Chargers (0-0) over Chiefs*(0-0)
This is why I decided to pick games for another season - To make turds like this game half-way interesting. Here's hoping.
---

Wrong Picks in pantone #cc0000
Correct Picks in pantone #38761d
*Indicates Home Team

The Liar's Mail-Sack

Here's a new feature wherein I take private e-mail correspondence and slap it up on teh interwebs for everyone to see.

Mr. Papa B from Sugar Glove, IL writes:
"Where do you have them? I was thinking 10-6 before the preseason, but now
I'm thinking more like 8-8, if that. Depressing. On the other hand, now you
can see that it wasn't all Grossman's fault. He was a serviceable QB
surrounded by dullards. Cutler is having the same experience here. Mostly,
though - I miss Ron Rivera. I felt like the defense and the special teams
unit were coached well enough through the super bowl season to be dominant.
Didn't matter how good the offense was. Bleh."
---

Where to start... How's about the schedule:
9/12 DETROIT
9/19 at Dallas
9/27 GREEN BAY
10/3 at NY Giants
10/10 at Carolina
10/17 SEATTLE
10/24 WASHINGTON
10/31 BYE WEEK
11/7 at Buffalo
11/14 MINNESOTA
11/18 at Miami
11/28 PHILADELPHIA
12/5 at Detroit
12/12 NEW ENGLAND
12/20 at Minnesota
12/26 NY JETS
1/2 at Green Bay

The only two good things about that schedule are that the bye is at week 8, and we get to play the Lions twice. That's about it. We have the entire NFC East and AFC East on our plates this season, we'd be BLESSED to end the season at 8&8. I say it's more likely between 4&12 and 7&9 - It really depends if we can get a couple of games off of the Vikings/Packers (as we seem to do every year).

Sexy Rexy Grossman is a Redskin this year and I've been watching him in preseason. He looks better, but he still makes a ton of stupid throws even when he's safe behind a stable O-Line. I see McNabb going out for a stretch this year, so this year should be Grossie's opportunity to shut everyone up (myself included). I still say that Orton was a better QB for the Bears than Rexy, what I didn't know is that Cutler would be a down-grade at the position. I guess I was right about JC back when I was slamming him back in his Broncos days. --LINK (see: Sunday Night Game)--

As for Rivera, his play-it-safe Superbowl game-plan cost him a head coaching spot at the end of his Bears tenure. He would have been gone regardless, but the ineptitude of his successors makes him look golden in hindsight.

I love me some Bears, but am (not so) secretly wishing for this year to be an unmitigated disaster. For the past few seasons rumors have abounded that Bill Cowher is laying in wait for the Bears to jettison Lovie. I like Lovie, but "nice" coaches drive me fucking nutty, and they don't get any nicer that Reverend Smith. I really want to see the Bears go back to being a MEAN team, and that starts with the coaching staff. Oh, and if we flame-out this year Angelo goes bye-bye too, guaranteed.

So, essentially, what I'm saying is that I hope the Bears fail miserably this year, for their own good. Watch them get to the playoffs just to spite me.

Sports

How bout them blackhawks?

The Liar's Super Bowl XLIV Pick

Man, it's been a long season. It's hard to keep paying attention when my home teams (Bears/Skins) have been so effing atrocious this year. Nonetheless, it's all coming to an end this Sunday on an incredible high-note. I'm super psyched for Super Bowl XLIV (named as such insofar as I will need a XL IV to rehydrate after a solid weekend of drinkin'). --insert rimshot-- I'm in whole-hog for the game this year, and can't wait for kickoff. Surprisingly, I can't think of anything interesting to say, so I'll spare you the rambling and get straight to the pick before I make any more awful roman numeral jokes.

Last Week's Picks: 2/0
Season Record: 170/98

Super Bowl XLIV - 6PM (CST):
Saints (15-3) over Colts (16-2)
I think that the Colts have an edge here, but I'm going with the Saints just because I really want to see them win. Simple as that. At this point I'm not concerned about numbers (that ship sailed weeks ago). I'm content to dig in my heels and root for my favorite team.
If you want statistical match-ups between Manning & Brees, a load of medical jargon about Freeney's ankle, a round-table on the comparative hotness of either squad's cheerleaders, or an in depth analysis of the role of the Gatorade holders in the collective conscience of modern sport just go to any other site on the internet (that isn't hocking porn) and you'll find that crap in droves. All I've got is love of the game.

Go Saints!

The Liar's NFL Conference Championship Playoff Picks

At long last, our enduring national nightmare has come to an end. For the first time since February 3rd, 2008 the Arizona Cardinals have been eliminated from the NFL postseason. Huzzah!!!
I'm so goddamned excited about the two games this weekend that I sorta peed a little bit just thinking about 'em. Enough with this intro jibber-jabber, let's get straight to some picks:

Last Week's Picks: 2/2
Season Record: 168/98

Sunday Afternoon Game - 2PM (CST):
Colts* (15-2) over Jets (11-7)
Why am I picking the Colts here? Because I want the Jets to win here more than I've wanted any team to win in any given game this season. If the Jets lose, I'll be crestfallen, so I'm hedging my enthusiasm with a Clots pick. If Indy hadn't surrendered half way through the game back in week 16, the Jets would be watching football from their collective couches this week. How amazing would it be if they could end the Colts' perfect season AND playoff run within one month? Stuff of legends, boys. If New York wins this one, they should send Jim Caldwell the game ball, and the Colts should send that fucking loser his walking papers.

Sunday Night Game - 5:40PM (CST):
Saints* (14-3) over Vikings (13-4)
I'm torn - I'm pulling for the Saints from here on out, but I'd really like to see Favre win it all this year, retire, and leave the NFC North once and for all. Dare to dream.
This should be one hell of a game, and it's going to all rest on the Saints defense. Everyone knows that if you can get a few good hits on Favre and follow through with steady pressure that ol' Brett gets shakier than a Haitian orphanage. Bringing the hurt down on the old man is going to be Floodtown's key to victory. If not, then the Purple Penis Eaters are heading to Miami.
---

Wrong Picks in RED
Correct Picks in GREEN
*Indicates Home Team

The Liar's NFL Divisional Playoff Picks

Well, that was ugly. Last week failed to deliver much action and even fewer correct picks. I guess jokes about quantum physics don't translate well into wins. Who knew? I'm not going to get fancy this week - In fact, I'm going base. Here's hoping that works.

Last Week's Picks: 1/3
Season Record: 166/96

Saturday Afternoon Game:
Saints* (13-3) over Cardinals (11-6)
NOOOOO! Why won't the motherhumping Cardinals just leave us alone? It's like a cut-rate 80's slasher flick - Every time I think they're gone for good, they pop back up and keep slogging deeper into the playoffs. It's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair!
*sob*

Saturday Night Game:
Colts* (14-2) over Ravens (10-7)
Okay, I know I said that I wasn't going to pick the Colts again after their shameful surrender back in week 16, but I'm really hoping that they can squeak through here and lose next week to the full-throttle Chargers (yet again), or (even better) go down in flames against the Jets who they rolled over to and let into the postseason. That would be super fucking sweet.

Early Sunday Game:
Cowboys (12-5) over Vikings* (12-4)
I'm calling this one as the game of the week. I have no idea what's gonna happen, but I have a feeling that it's gonna be good. The Boys are en fuego right now, but Favre would skull-fuck a busload of cancer kids if he thought that would help him secure one final Super Bowl win. Who wants it more? Well, Favre - hands down, but are the Vikes going to be good enough to get it done?

Late Sunday Game:
Chargers* (13-3) over Jets (10-7)
A few weeks ago (on a pick 'em site) I picked the Chargers to win the Super Bowl this year. I say they're the best team in the playoffs this year (which is hard to admit, since I fucking hate them). Please prove me wrong Rex.
---

Wrong Picks in RED
Correct Picks in GREEN
*Indicates Home Team

The Liar's NFL Wild-Card Weekend Playoff Picks

This looks familiar.
Three of the four wild-card games feature teams that played each other last week. Trippy, it's like the NFL just went all Groundhog Day. If three or more games are the same next week, then we definitely have some serious issues with the spacetime continuum.
Assuming that is the case, I'm preemptively stocking up on tinfoil hats and looking into investing in some sweet 4th dimension Möbius box-seats for the Super Bowl (which I'm guessing will be Cowboys -vs- Eagles for the 5th straight week).

Last Week's Picks: 9/7
Season Record: 165/93

Saturday Afternoon Game:
Bengals* (10-6) over Jets (9-7)
If you listen to Rex Ryan, the Jets have a Superbowl victory all wrapped up. Then again, if you listened to Ryan two weeks ago, he said that the Jets' season was over. I fucking love this guy, he's just as drunk as I am! WOOOOOOOOO!
Yeah, I know that the Jets put up a 37-0 beatdown on the Bengals last week. I even think that Cincy was playing to win in the first half, but as the game went on I think that the Bengals folded early and decided to save all of their fancified trickification for this week, all the while getting some great film of the Jets cards. I'd love to see way more of Rex Ryan in the postseason, but I think that Cincy is going to spring the trap back on their home-turf.

Saturday Night Game:
Cowboys* (11-5) over Eagles (11-5)
Man, the story-lines behind this game are insane - Romo has never won a playoff game, McNabb has never lost a first-round playoff game, Wade Phillips' job is on the line (yet again), The Eagles haven't won a game against the Boys this season, and to top it all off these teams HATE each other. I'm supergluing myself to the couch for this one.
I know that every playoff game Romo pulls a Romo to kill the game at the last minute, I know that Reid and McNabb are playoff tested, I know that this game could go either way on a whim, but I really think that the Cowboys are the superior team this season and have more than what it takes to shut down Philly down in the Jerry Dome.

Early Sunday Game:
Patriots* (10-6) over Ravens (9-7)
Here's the only game that doesn't fit the Groundhog Day analogy (although they did meet back in week 4), so throughout the game I'm going to pretend that Belichick is the Bill Murray character and that Harbaugh is the Andie MacDowell character. I say they totally hook-up by the end.
My favorite thing about the Partiots going into the playoffs is how their super-secret injury reports suddenly go all too public. Welker is out, that's for sure, but Brady's shoulder and Moss' limp are pure kabuki theater. I wouldn't be surprised if the Hoodie wheeled out the O-line out in iron lungs before the game. You gotta love that.

Late Sunday Game:
Packers (11-5) over Cardinals* (10-6)
I didn't want to watch this game last week, what makes you think that...
Shoveling snow, huh?
Okay, you win. Fuck it.
Last year I bet against the Cards all the way through the playoffs and got schooled. Apparently, I haven't learned my lesson. How can I have any faith in what easily is the most erratic team of the past couple of seasons? According to Heisenberg's uncertainty principle, in any given game the Arizona Cardinals have both WON and LOST the game until the game is observed. Which is problematic, as no one wishes to observe such things. Logical positivism, FTW!
---

Wrong Picks in RED
Correct Picks in GREEN
*Indicates Home Team

The Liar's NFL Week 17 Picks

Here it is, the last week of regular season professional tackle football. I'm posting late because of all of the drinky fun this last week. Actually, I'm blowing off something right now to get this out of the way, so let's get this fucker done - The booze is a-callin'.

Last Week's Picks: 9/7
Season Record: 156/84

Early Sunday Games:
Bills* (5-10) over Colts (14-1)
If the Clots are gonna roll over and play dead for the Jets, I see no reason for them to even suit up for this one. Why not just stay home and forfeit the game, you pussies?

Jaguars (7-8) over Browns* (4-11)
The Browns have been playing crazy-good football in the end-stretch, and I'm seriously tempted to pick them here, but Jacksonville is playing for a potential play-off spot here (with plenty of outside help). I say that the Jags get it done.

Bears (6-9) over Lions* (2-13)
I called it last week, but now I'm horrified that last week's inspired win over the Viqueens might just save a bunch of careers that don't deserve saving.

49ers (7-8) over Rams* (1-14)
One year ago I said that the Niners would win the NFC West this year. If they can get 3 wins on Sunday (and a Cardinals loss), they'll have it.

Dolphins* (7-8) over Steelers (8-7)
I'm not crazy about the Dolphins, but I have very little faith in the Steelers right now. That being said, if they win this one, watch out!

Vikings* (11-4) over Giants (8-7)
It's debatable which of these teams had the more embarrassing loss last week. The Giants are out, and the Vikes are gasping for air. Minnesota really needs a win here going into the post-season.

Falcons (8-7) over Buccaneers* (3-12)
Neither of these teams has anything to play for, but I think that the Falcons have more pride on the line here.

Saints (13-2) over Panthers* (7-8)
Everybody is picking the Panthers in this one, but I can't see the Saints going into the play-offs with a 3 game skid.

Patriots (10-5) over Texans* (8-7)
Same here, everybody seems to like the Texicans in this one. I don't see the Hoodie pulling an Indy and flying the white flag out in Houston.

Late Sunday Games:
Cowboys* (10-5) over Eagles (11-4)
NOOOOOO! The Chicago market has the stupid fucking Pack v. Cards game - Thank Christ for NFL Red Zone.

Broncos* (8-7) over Chiefs (3-12)
You Denver motherfuckers aren't making it easy to root for you. The Broncos still have 10 ways to make it into the playoffs. I say they'll sneak in, but with some serious help.

Ravens (8-7) over Raiders* (5-10)
Who the hell knows whats going on with either of these teams from week to week? I'm picking the Ravens because they need this win to stay alive, but I'm not really feeling it.

Cardinals* (10-5) over Packers (10-5)
Both of these teams are in, and I couldn't possibly be less interested in either of 'em.

Chargers* (12-3) over Redskins (4-11)
This game means less than nothing. The Chargers have the second seed in the AFC locked down, just as the Skins have a high first round 2010 draft pick locked down.

Titans (7-8) over Seahawks* (5-10)
It'll be a huge accomplishment if the Titans can end the season 8&8, not great enough to get them into the postseason, but pretty good nonetheless.

Sunday Night Game:
Bengals (10-5) over Jets* (8-7)
The Jets win this one and they're play-off bound. I say they choke.
---

Wrong Picks in RED
Correct Picks in GREEN
*Indicates Home Team